The Conversation You Never Had

Resentment doesn't usually explode in a dramatic confrontation—it quietly metastasizes inside the gap between what you expected and what you refused to say out loud.

Most high-performers and caring partners live with a silent, invisible rulebook. They build intricate mental scenarios of how their spouse, team, or boss "should" behave, convincing themselves that their standards are so obvious they don't need to be spoken. But when reality inevitably fails to match the unwritten script—when your partner comes home late to a cold dinner without calling, or when your company leaves you at a career ceiling while expecting you to work harder—the unspoken expectation instantly transforms into toxic disappointment, regret, and deep-seated resentment.

In this transparent, unscripted episode of the Living Lucky® Podcast, Jana and Jason expose the silent assumptions that sabotage relationships, careers, and personal growth. Reflecting on their own marriage—from cold dinners during Jana's late-night radio editing sessions to navigating the silent "What about me?" voice when personal dreams compete for calendar space—they break down how to convert passive assumptions into clear, explicit agreements.

Inside:

• The Seed of Resentment: The exact psychological mechanics that turn unspoken expectations into emotional poison, regret, and relationship distance.
• The 8:20 P.M. Dinner Cold War: A concrete case study from Jana's radio career showing how uncommunicated timeline expectations breed silent resentment.
• The "What About Me?" Seattle Blackhead Metaphor: How suppressing your career ambitions and creative desires causes unspoken needs to fester into explosive marital friction.
• The Airport Destination Framework: Why telling life every destination you don't want to go to guarantees you'll never buy a ticket to where you do want to be.
• Chasing the Feeling vs. The Concrete Goal: How to set an offensive life direction even when you don't know the exact outcome, by targeting the specific emotional state you want to live in.

Stop punishing the people you love for breaking rules they never agreed to follow. If you are ready to drop conflict avoidance, convert assumptions into agreements, and gain the courage to say your expectations out loud, hit play now.

Listen to the audio, watch the video broadcast, subscribe, and say your expectations out loud today.

NUGGETS

• Unexpressed expectations are the ultimate seed of resentment. Expecting someone to "just know" what you need builds a private trap where disappointment is guaranteed.
• Mind-reading is a mathematical fallacy. No matter how long you've been married or worked together, assuming someone sees the world through your exact lens creates silent friction.
• Clarity requires choosing a destination. You cannot build a career or a relationship by listing what you dislike; you must name the precise outcome—or feeling—you want to experience.
• Sharing your dream prevents accidental roadblocks. If you hide your highest ambitions from your inner circle, you will inevitably end up getting in each other's way on the calendar.
• Speaking up either builds a bridge or reveals a boundary. Expressing your expectations out loud will either align your relationship or prove that you need a different partner to build your future.

Questions:

Why do unexpressed expectations cause resentment in relationships? Unexpressed expectations cause resentment because they create an asymmetric contract: one person holds an internal standard for behavior while the other remains completely unaware the standard exists. When the unaware partner inevitably violates the silent rule, the expecting partner interprets the action as a lack of respect or care, compounding minor misunderstandings into chronic emotional distance and resentment.

What is the "Airport Analogy" for goal setting and personal development? The Airport Analogy is a decision-making model that illustrates the necessity of clear direction. Just as an traveler cannot purchase a flight ticket by listing every city they refuse to visit, an individual cannot build a fulfilling life or career simply by identifying what they want to avoid. Progress requires defining a specific destination—or desired emotional state—and taking deliberate action toward it.

How do partners convert unspoken assumptions into explicit agreements? Partners convert assumptions into agreements by identifying silent expectations, verbalizing them without blame, and negotiating a shared standard. Instead of assuming a partner knows when to be home or how to support a goal, both individuals define specific terms (e.g., exact times, calendar priorities, communication check-ins) so both parties can explicitly agree to the expectation.

• The Seed of Resentment: Have you ever been disappointed by someone who had no idea? Jason kicks off the episode asking Jana a blunt question about disappointment. Discover why holding unspoken rules for the people around you guarantees chronic resentment.
• The 8:20 P.M. Dinner Incident: Unpacking a real-life marital expectation trap Jason details the late-night radio days when Jana would arrive home hours past dinner without calling. Learn how uncommunicated timelines turn a courteous gesture into a silent conflict.
• The "What About Me?" Seattle Metaphor: When suppressed dreams start to fester Analyzing what happens when one partner constantly supports the other while burying their own ambitions. Discover how unspoken goals turn into a full Seattle of resentment.
• The Radio Career Ceiling: Why working harder without speaking up always fails Jana shares her experience hitting a career wall in broadcast radio. Learn why assuming management knows your trajectory is a trap, and why you must explicitly state your expectations.
• The Airport Analogy: Why listing what you DON'T want keeps you stranded Jason and Jana break down the flight counter metaphor. Discover why you cannot build a life by rejecting bad options—you must name the target destination.
• Sharing Dreams with Your Inner Circle: Stopping accidental calendar collisions Why hiding your ambitions from your spouse ensures you get in each other's way. Learn how open communication aligns your schedules and protects your primary relationships.
• Chasing the Feeling: Setting an offensive life path when outcomes are uncertain Jana explains why she skitters across waterskiing, ballroom dance, and art. Discover how prioritizing a specific emotional frequency (freedom, vitality, joy) serves as a valid navigation tool.
• The Bravery Challenge: Saying your expectations out loud today Jason wraps up with a direct call to action. Learn why speaking up will either build a bridge to a deeper connection or reveal that you need a different partner for your next chapter.
• unexpressed expectations cause resentment marriage
• relationship communication tools for couples
• how to express needs without conflict
• airport analogy for goal setting and direction
• overcoming career ceiling resentment
• emotional intelligence turning assumptions into agreements
• why do unspoken expectations destroy relationships
• how to stop feeling resentful toward spouse
• dealing with the what about me feeling in marriage
• how to set clear expectations with your partner
• conflict avoidance causing relationship regret
• chasing a feeling vs setting specific goals
• why working harder without speaking up fails

Don't forget to check out the Accompanying Blog for this episode at https://www.startlivinglucky.com/blog/unexpressed-expectations-the-conversation-you-never-had-s11-e14 

unexpressed expectations, relationship communication, resentment seed, airport analogy, clarity in goal setting, marital alignment, conflict avoidance, saying it out loud, the four-minute formula, living lucky frameworks

Transcript

Unspoken Expectations Create Resentment

Jason Shelfer 0:00

So I've got a question for you. Ask away. Has anyone ever disappointed you and they didn't even realize they disappointed you?

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Yeah. Like the whole world.

Jason Shelfer 0:09

At some point or another.

SPEAKER_00 0:10

At some point or another. I feel like I've had that feeling quite often.

Jason Shelfer 0:14

And I think oftentimes it's when they don't know it, it's an unexpressed expectation, and that's the seed of resentment. You're right. A lot of resentment.

Jana Shelfer 0:26

That is the seed of resentment. Unexpressed expectations. And that's what we're going to talk about today.

SPEAKER_00 0:50

I'm Jana. I'm Jason.

Jana Shelfer 0:52

And we are living lucky. You are too. We're talking about unexpress unexpressed. Unexpected. Unexpressed expectation.

Jason Shelfer 1:06

Easy for you to say.

Jana Shelfer 1:07

It really is the seed of resentment.

Jason Shelfer 1:10

It is.

Jana Shelfer 1:10

It's also the receipt of the receipt. Yes, there's the seed of regret.

Jason Shelfer 1:16

And disappointment, yes.

Jana Shelfer 1:17

And disappointment.

Jason Shelfer 1:19

Yeah, I think that's where a lot of times we we know in our brains, because we're kind of always working through the scenarios and always imagining the the how it sh quote unquote should be.

Jana Shelfer 1:32

We play chess with ourselves quite often.

Jason Shelfer 1:34

And so, but we don't always verbalize everything. Even if we like, because the the voice is just constantly going. Well they're going and going and going.

Jana Shelfer 1:42

I feel like duh. Isn't that just obvious? Do you know what I'm saying? I think, oh, of course they that's just a given.

Jason Shelfer 1:50

Obviously, they see it the way I do. And they want the thing. They want the world to be like I want the world to be. Duh. Yeah. So I I remember

The Late Night Dinner Example

Jason Shelfer 2:00

when you were working on the radio and you would get off at seven.

Jana Shelfer 2:04

We'd get off the air at seven.

Jason Shelfer 2:06

And I know that there's things to do. Like the the it's not the flintstones where the the the bell rings and then you slide down the dinosaur's back and you're in your car on your way home.

Jana Shelfer 2:16

That would have been fun, though. Right.

Jason Shelfer 2:19

So I realized there's there's end of show prep and getting ready for the next day's show. The so but I knew also that you had a window of getting home at like 8 20. Yes. You know, so I would have dinner ready. I would like out there was an expectation for me in my mind that this is how things are.

Jana Shelfer 2:41

Okay.

Jason Shelfer 2:41

And then times when you fall out of that expectation for me. Even though it was never expressed, it was never written down, there was never a verbal agreement of Jana, you will always be home at 820, correct? Because it's not an always. Yeah. And Jana, if you're ever not home at 820, you'll call me and let me know immediately, right? No, we didn't talk about that. I mean, typically, like if you knew you were going to be running late, you were courteous.

Jana Shelfer 3:10

Why why do I feel like I'm getting attacked today?

Jason Shelfer 3:14

I don't want you to feel like I'm just thinking of like what is a very concrete example that I can point to because there were there were moments where you had a like a lot of editing to do and when you were making videos. I remember a specific time when you had a you had like three very important videos that you were making and you were also learning the editing process because now we edit all the time and you're an editing genius.

SPEAKER_00 3:38

Oh, thank you.

Jason Shelfer 3:39

Or I say I said we edit all the time. You edit all the time.

SPEAKER_00 3:43

Yeah.

Jason Shelfer 3:44

But in that time frame, you would sometimes get lost in your work. I always do. I got lost in my work today. And you would you you would get home at 10, 11 o'clock at night.

Jana Shelfer 3:53

Yeah.

Jason Shelfer 3:54

And dinner would be cold. I would be marching around the house going, is she okay? You didn't have your phone on.

Jana Shelfer 3:59

Isn't that funny how times have changed? Because now I can't stay up past 6 p.m. I'm like, my little watch goes, it starts it starts singing lola bye. And I'm like, oh God, can anyone else hear? It's 5 30.

SPEAKER_00 4:16

Buffet at the Ponderosa.

Jason Shelfer 4:18

Oh God, you're funny. What do they call it? The senior discount.

SPEAKER_00 4:24

Yeah. Oh, hey. Now you're making it not yet.

Jason Shelfer 4:28

Even though for some reason they keep calling me for A-A-R-P.

Jana Shelfer 4:31

Do they?

Jason Shelfer 4:32

Maybe they want to be a sponsor. I don't know.

Jana Shelfer 4:34

What is it at age 55?

Jason Shelfer 4:36

I think so. I'm not there yet.

Jana Shelfer 4:38

Yeah, but these are unexpressed expectations. Don't you get discounts once you get the discount? I think so. I'm all about the discount.

Jason Shelfer 4:47

You know, frugal me.

Jana Shelfer 4:49

All right. Today we're talking about unexpressed expectations, which is a very hard phrase to say. Say that five times.

Jason Shelfer 4:56

Unexpressed expectations. I've got it. Okay, prove me wrong.

Jana Shelfer 4:59

Prove me wrong. I'm a little silly tonight. We are really talking about resentment, regret, and disappointment.

Jason Shelfer 5:10

Yeah, and I think because I think that one what happens is we'll tell people, or we won't tell people exactly what we're looking for. Yes. And I think it comes out really

Dreams, Calendars, And Feeling Small

Jason Shelfer 5:20

clearly when we're doing when we think about our dreams in a relationship.

Jana Shelfer 5:24

Okay. So let's talk, let's just let's stay in that lane for a little bit. We'll stay in that lane. We'll talk about our dreams.

Jason Shelfer 5:31

So if there's something that I am really passionate about, however, I'm a I'm a giver. And I you are and you express your dream to me, and I want to help you with your dream.

Jana Shelfer 5:43

You always seem to support.

Jason Shelfer 5:46

Yes. So then we start kind of filling the calendar with those quote unquote appointments that are stepping stones towards your dream.

Jana Shelfer 5:57

Which could be considered the dance and the water skiing, and we're not always working toward the speaking and coaching, which is more your That's that's kind of my passion and where you're at right now.

Jason Shelfer 6:10

But they all lead there. So eventually. Eventually. So I'm fine with that. And I I I can play that long game because I'm gonna live forever.

Jana Shelfer 6:18

Yes. However, I do I do feel that we have shifted because of this reason. You have this this past year, you have spoken up a little bit more so.

Jason Shelfer 6:30

And I'm putting things in the calendar for myself. Because if we don't express those expectations, then we start feeling like we're living. They start to fester. They start festering, we start feeling like we're living small. We start saying, What about me? Like that voice in the back of our head.

Jana Shelfer 6:48

It starts out like as a blackhead.

Jason Shelfer 6:50

Right.

Jana Shelfer 6:51

And then that blackhead becomes a whitehead. Yeah, it turns into a big Seattle. Full of pus.

Jason Shelfer 7:00

Yeah, yeah. Bust it open. Because you start painting yourself into that corner and that internal voice starts saying, What about me? When's it gonna be my turn? And then and that turns around and ricochets off and and points at whoever's taking your turn.

Jana Shelfer 7:14

You know, I feel in the last few podcasts that limiting belief has come up many times. When is it my turn? And I do feel that a lot of people that find us at Living Lucky, they express that feeling. Like I feel like there's something bigger and better. When is it my turn? I'm waiting for my opportunity. Where is it? Well, you know, and I have well, I know for myself, I had a a fairly great career in radio. I would say so. And I started expressing my wants and needs, and I just kept hitting a ceiling, a ceiling, a wall, and it just felt like I was I was hearing no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What did that build? You're too good where you're

Career Ceilings And Built Up Resentment

Jana Shelfer 8:05

at, which is just a I don't know, it feels like a backhanded way of of saying and then when you sit down and sit, good girl.

Jason Shelfer 8:17

And when you were very clear about your expectations, yes, and and then they were very clear about okay, well, our expectations are that you are gonna stay where you are because you're making us this amount of money here and we're not gonna chance it somewhere else.

Jana Shelfer 8:32

Well, I do feel though, it's exactly what we're talking about, the unexpressed expectations, I let it build a little too much before I actually started speaking up for myself. And that was a hard lesson for me because I do think that if I would have maybe expressed them earlier, then I wouldn't have gotten so uh forceful. Yeah, because I did. I I became full of resentment very quickly, like that seed grew very fast in me. Boiling water turns to steam quickly, and it it was like year after year, I just assumed that everybody knew my trajectory and what I wanted.

Jason Shelfer 9:18

Uh rising stars gotta rise.

Jana Shelfer 9:21

And I wasn't telling anyone that really. I wasn't saying this is what I just internally we were expecting it. Yes, and I just kept thinking, well, you know what? I'm just gonna work hard and be more valuable, and eventually it's all gonna happen, but I wasn't saying that there are hundreds of millions of people out there right now going, I am just gonna work harder and I will get notice.

Jason Shelfer 9:46

I am just gonna work harder and and it will come to me.

Jana Shelfer 9:50

Here's the thing we're none of us are mind readers. I mean, maybe there's a few on the planet, right? They claim And some of us are better at maybe reading the nuances of body language or energy or communication. However, we all can be blind when it comes to knowing what someone else wants.

Jason Shelfer 10:20

Yes, and we can all be better at communicating our needs and our wants.

Communicating Needs And Learning Clarity

Jason Shelfer 10:25

And that's that's one of the things that just having these conversations, talking to people, working with clients, talking, even going to Toastmasters. I know. I mean, Toastmasters is such a benefit, yeah. In so many ways. Just a place to go once a week to have a discussion. It's fun too.

unknown 10:44

It's fun.

Jason Shelfer 10:45

Um, it's because we can learn to communicate a little bit differently than we maybe do in the in the regular world or even on the podcast. So being able to communicate and communicate with ourselves what we want. How long did I spend going what are my expectations for myself?

Jana Shelfer 11:06

That was my next point, is I feel like it's so much easier for people to know what they don't want. And they kind of go through life and we don't really know what we want because we don't know what's available or what's out there. Sometimes like myself, I grew up a little bit sheltered, so I didn't know what was possible. Of course, I have this great imagination, but you don't know what you don't know until you start getting out and experiencing life, correct?

Jason Shelfer 11:40

One hundred so there's two sides of that coin. There's that side 100%, you don't know what you don't know. And then the other side of that coin is the whole peanut butter side, where you have you know that there's JIF and there's Skippy, and then you get to Publix and there's a thousand different penant peanut butters and there's too many choices. So there's a couple different things, so it's it's say it's getting very clear what what do I expect and what do I want, so we can narrow those choices down when we do start uh identifying what

The Airport Analogy For Decisions

Jason Shelfer 12:15

all these choices are.

Jana Shelfer 12:16

I always like to use the analogy of going to the airport and wanting to go uh somewhere. You don't go up to the counter and say, Well, I know where I don't want to go today. Do you want to go to Albuquerque? I definitely don't want to go to Albuquerque. Do you want to go to Phoenix? No, not not feeling Phoenix today. Give me give me a few more options. Do you want to go to Idaho? Right? Isn't that frustrating for everyone when we don't know what we want to do?

Jason Shelfer 12:45

But uh I love the flight analogy because you're spending your life doing this uh in just like you would be paying for a ticket. And and that's but if you know where you want to go.

Jana Shelfer 12:58

Yes. So it's not only knowing where you want to go, but then expressing to at least your inner circle. Uh I know there's different philosophies on whether or not you should really express out loud.

Jason Shelfer 13:13

Don't tell your dream to anybody until it comes true.

Jana Shelfer 13:15

Well, yeah.

Jason Shelfer 13:16

And I don't I don't subscribe to that.

Jana Shelfer 13:18

I uh I've had both experiences with that one. However, I do think that if you don't share it with the people you are living life with every single day, then without knowing it, you're gonna get in each other's way. Would you agree with that?

Jason Shelfer 13:36

100%. So on the reason I don't subscribe to

Sharing Dreams And Chasing Feelings

Jason Shelfer 13:40

don't share your dream. Yes, tell me about that. I subscribe to don't share your dream until you have fully identified what it is, until you fully believe in it.

Jana Shelfer 13:52

And see, that's where I have really struggled because many times I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want. And I know that a good coach is like, you know what you want. If you knew what you want, what would you want?

Jason Shelfer 14:04

I I don't think we have to know. I think what you always say, go with the feeling. You know, how do you want to feel in life? Like if I got to the end of my life and I feel the way I feel right now, I'm gonna be ha I'm gonna be so tickled. Because right now, I mean your orange jitch. I examine I examine my life a often, and there's not a there's some regret. So and I really yeah. Tell me.

Jana Shelfer 14:32

So and we're working on it because regret is unexpressed expectations. So tell me what it where is some regret?

Jason Shelfer 14:41

Relationships with my side of the family. Okay. So we're working on that. We're we've have we have scheduled times where we're visiting, yes, we're making those more frequent. My parents are getting older.

Jana Shelfer 14:51

But the reason that we didn't speak up many times was because uh we wanted to avoid conflict. Correct.

Jason Shelfer 15:00

But we've resolved that we've uh almost all of it. And any the anything that's left is very minuscule and easy to resolve going forward because we've made all these steps. So right now, such little regret that if anything happened right now, I I feel I wake up every morning feeling like the luckiest person on the planet. I go to bed every night feeling that way. There's a so when you say I don't know what my dream is per se, yes, you also chase the feelings.

Jana Shelfer 15:34

I do chase the feelings, and that's uh where you and I are slightly different because I love to water ski, it makes me feel free, I love to dance, it makes me feel alive, alive, sexy, and so I I do things that make me feel that way. Now, when our speaking is going well, I like doing those things too. Yes, however, you know, I've had some setbacks. We've had our ups and downs on that, and and when I go into those setbacks, I think, well, am I really having fun doing this right now? And then that's when I kind of pivot.

Jason Shelfer 16:16

Is this a season four being a world champion or maybe my art?

Jana Shelfer 16:21

Yeah.

Jason Shelfer 16:21

So I do face I do chase the feeling, and that to me is is kind of like that's fine. Like I understand coaches go, you know what your dream is. Some people, you know, what if their dream is to chase that feeling? Oh, I got a feeling. Ooh, is life gonna be a good life? That's true. That is true. So I think what it is. So speak up, is what you're saying. Figure out what do you expect out of life. Because the other thing is, is whatever you expect out of life is what you're gonna get. Is what you're gonna get. It's what you settle for. If and if you don't express what you expect, you won't be able to find it. But sometimes I you won't get it from people that are creating in their their in their world.

Jana Shelfer 17:10

I don't mean to be a naysayer, but sometimes I feel like my expectations are so high in every aspect of my life that I like I remember growing up, my mom once told me, it's so hard to be your mom. And I yes, because you're hard to please.

Jason Shelfer 17:29

I will say, as your husband, you're hard to please. But you know what? I love trying.

SPEAKER_00 17:33

Aww.

Jason Shelfer 17:36

That's just beautiful. And I I know that you appreciate the effort. I do. Like that and so there's there's this other part of it. So if it if I if I keep putting in the effort, just like it's a it's a game, instead of it's a you're

Regret, Family, And Saying It Out Loud

Jason Shelfer 17:55

not good enough to please me, there's that's a different way of looking at things.

Jana Shelfer 18:00

Okay, so let's sum this up. Let's do a little recap. If you feel resentment, regret, disappointment, there's been somewhere in your soul where you haven't expressed exactly what you want. What do you want?

Jason Shelfer 18:18

And you know the conversation. Like, as you're thinking of it in the back of your head right now, you're going, I there's a conversation that I'm avoiding.

Jana Shelfer 18:26

How do I How many times have you left a conversation you're like, oh, I should have said this? I should have said this. But we don't often leave a conversation and we focus on what we didn't say instead of focusing on what we said.

Jason Shelfer 18:40

Yeah, I might have said this differently. Yeah. Or how many times have we had that thought? I wish I had the courage to call my father, or I wish I had the courage to call so-and-so, and let them know this is how I feel, or this is what I need, or this is what I would like.

Jana Shelfer 18:57

So, what are you saying? Just be brave, say it out loud.

Jason Shelfer 19:01

Be brave, say it out loud. Figure out what you want, say it out loud, and express your expectations. It's gonna cut down on your resentment, it's gonna cut down on your disappointment, and it's going to create a bridge to a new relationship, or it will tell you this is someone that's not gonna help me build this bridge. Maybe I need to look for something, another partner to build it.

Jana Shelfer 19:25

Thanks for joining us. Living lucky,