Are Your Friendships Chosen Or Convenient

Are Your Friendships Chosen or Just Convenient? Why was making friends effortless at 15 but feels like "starting from scratch" at 51? In this raw episode of the Living Lucky® Podcast, Jason and Jana deconstruct the "machinery of friendship." If you've ever called an acquaintance a "best friend" simply because they live next door, or felt a pang of "social shame" for wanting new community in midlife, this is your survival guide for adult connection.

We explore why proximity is the silent architect of our circles—from high school hallways to corporate cubicles. What happens when those built-in "containers" disappear. If you are navigating the "empty nest" or a career shift and realize your social calendar is a ghost town, it’s time to move from convenient proximity to conscious community.

In This Episode:

• Audit Your Circle: Differentiate between deep connection and "replacement relationships" that try to fill a void too quickly.
• Overcome Social Stigma: Why reaching out for friends at 51 isn't "creepy"—it’s an act of personal development.
• Bridge Your Worlds: Learn why we struggle to combine "hobby friends" with "real-life friends".
• Build Recurring Containers: How to design routines that allow trust to grow naturally without forced intimacy.

Living Lucky® Nuggets:

• Proximity vs. Priority: Most high school friends were "convenient." Adult friends must be "chosen." (Believe in yourself)
• The Curiosity Cure: Replace the fear of judgment with raw authenticity. Leading with "I'm looking for community" is a mindset superpower.
• Don't Be a "Ghost in the Wind": Work friendships often vanish with the job. Build a connection that survives the cubicle.
• Awe and Wonder: Seek friends who see life in "Technicolor" and "Avatar-mode." Your vibration attracts your tribe.

Stop settling for proximity. Start building the rooms you want to live in.

Adult friendship, personal development, midlife connection, mindset coaching, building community, Making friends after 50, how to overcome loneliness in midlife, proximity vs connection, relationship self-help, Living Lucky four pillars.

#Friendship #Midlife #PersonalDevelopment #Mindset #LivingLucky #Community #SelfHelp #SocialAnxiety #

Transcript

Create A Life You Crave

Jana Shelfer 0:00

Are you ready to create a life you crave? Let's spin that doom loop of negativity into an upward success cycle and start Living Lucky®. Good morning! I'm Jana. I'm Jason. And we are Living Lucky®.

Jason Shelfer 0:19

You are too.

Jana Shelfer 0:20

Friends.

Jason Shelfer 0:20

Glorious friends.

Jana Shelfer 0:23

We're talking about friends today.

Jason Shelfer 0:26

Jennifer, Chandler, Ross, Rachel.

Jana Shelfer 0:29

Not those kinds of friends. You know, I love Jennifer Anderson, but I never watched Friends.

Jason Shelfer 0:36

Isn't that interesting?

Jana Shelfer 0:37

I probably should go back and watch.

Jason Shelfer 0:39

So many people are absolutely shocked. Shocked that I didn't hear that.

Jana Shelfer 0:43

I know, because they think that that would be my kind of show.

Jason Shelfer 0:46

Well, and the majority of America has seen at least an episode of Friends. I know. And you are busy training.

Jana Shelfer 0:52

I know. So you know what? Whenever the next time you and I are scrolling through previews, or the next time, what should we watch? What should we watch on television? Maybe get out friends.

Speaker 1:07

Pivot.

The Reunion That Sparked The Question

Jana Shelfer 1:08

No, the reason we brought up friends today is because Jason read this very profound quote to me. I'm not sure if you made it up or you pulled it out of your ass or where it came from.

Jason Shelfer 1:21

Well, there's a lot that I've been thinking through because I just got back from my mega high school reunion.

Jana Shelfer 1:26

I know you did.

Jason Shelfer 1:27

From 36 years. And it said, high school reminds me that I, high school, I had friends because I saw them every single day.

unknown 1:36

I know.

Jana Shelfer 1:37

We had so many friends in high school.

Jason Shelfer 1:39

Yeah, and it's and it's because we saw them every day. We we spent time interacting with them. We sat next to them in school. We went through things with them.

Jana Shelfer 1:49

And now, okay, so here's here's where I'm at now in my life. I'm 51 and I don't know the difference between my neighbor and my friends. I call acquaintances. I call my neighbors my friends, and my friends are my neighbors. Well, I work and it's because of proximity. Yeah.

Jason Shelfer 2:07

Well, I work with people for 15 years and I called them my my friends, my the people I work with every single day. Oh, I know. I thought they were my best friends. Leave my job.

Jana Shelfer 2:16

Almost my family friends.

Jason Shelfer 2:18

Leave my job, and if I don't reach out, I don't hear from anyone. Like isn't that bizarre? I'm like a ghost in the wind.

Jana Shelfer 2:26

Isn't that crazy?

Jason Shelfer 2:28

So it's it's one of those things. It's like, okay, well, what kind of relationship am I building? And is it just the proximity? Because I'm still close to three people, four people out of high school, but we still only talk every every four or five years.

Jana Shelfer 2:43

So it's like that is so bizarre.

Jason Shelfer 2:46

And if we want those relationships, if we want those connections, I suggest we cultivate the activities where we are in proximity on a regular basis.

Jana Shelfer 2:56

Yeah, it's but then you're what you're really saying is we can only be friends with people who are like us. That's what you're really saying.

Jason Shelfer 3:06

Or just we have to, I think the bigger thing is is we decide what is it that we're wanting in life, what who are the people that we're growing into, and then let's find those rooms or create those rooms and invite people in. Yeah, but there's no people coming in.

Jana Shelfer 3:25

There's no reason. I mean, it would it would be creepy, it would absolutely be creepy for me to invite a little person who is only into gaming. Do you know what I'm saying?

Jason Shelfer 3:43

Like uh like Peter Dinklage?

Jana Shelfer 3:45

Yeah, somebody that is across that lives in California, or do you know what I'm saying? Like somebody who is just so different than me, it would be very creepy for me to reach out to them and say, hey, you know what? I'm cultivating people I want to be friends with. Why don't you come over?

Jason Shelfer 4:03

Would it?

Jana Shelfer 4:04

Yes. Yes. People would be a little off-putting. First of all, the first thing that would go through their mind is why is she 51 and looking for new friends? Well, what about because that that's what would go through my mind. I I mean, it it's almost like, wait, if she's 51 and she's is she's just now looking for friends, because I kind of feel that in my life.

Jason Shelfer 4:27

Like I'm it's kind of like the person who's a virgin at 51 and saying, Hey, I'm I think I'm ready. Like, what hey, what what's wrong with them that they're a virgin at 51?

Jana Shelfer 4:40

Like there's nothing wrong with that's so terrible to think that, but I think the average person would think that.

Jason Shelfer 4:47

And that's where we're like, okay, well, now let's get curious about our judgment. And then the other thing is, is okay, well, let's what if we just led with this raw authenticity of this is where I am?

Jana Shelfer 5:01

However, okay, so then the next question would be, well, what about all the people that have crossed your path up to now? Why aren't you friends with them?

Jason Shelfer 5:13

I think there's there's there's value in everyone, but it's who am I becoming? And also, where's my curiosity right now? Because there's I think curiosity and this spark and this excitement for life. Like we are in this stage of life right now where things are crazy, they're booming, we are things are good.

Jana Shelfer 5:35

Things are good, things are good.

Jason Shelfer 5:37

We're running through Oz and we're seeing things in technicolor.

Jana Shelfer 5:41

You know, it is like we're in the movie avatar almost.

Jason Shelfer 5:45

So it's like there's we had this discussion the other night about the infiniteness of awe, of love, and wonder of wonder, of gratitude, imagination, and kind of exploring these boundaries that aren't are non-existent, but they are within our minds.

Why Making Friends Gets Harder

Jana Shelfer 6:08

Okay, you're getting a little abstract for the average listener.

Jason Shelfer 6:10

Right.

Jana Shelfer 6:11

What we're really talking about is it's hard to make friends when you get older. It just is because it is so much easier to make friends when you're younger.

Jason Shelfer 6:19

It I mean, because you're forced into these boxes of proximity.

Jana Shelfer 6:24

You're you are you're forced to go to school. You're you're all in the classroom together, plus your bodies are changing at approximately the same time. Right. You're going through going through these life moments. Yes, you're having you know, prom and first dates and first kisses, and you are having to study for tests. You're accidentally farting in class, you're learning new things together, and you're asking life questions together, you're also making decisions about your future, you're being frustrated by your parents, and you're experiencing hormones, and you're also uh exploring hormones and what that is all about, right? Your body is changing, you're growing, you're finding out what you're good at, what you're not saying.

Jason Shelfer 7:22

Playing sports and undressing in dressing rooms together.

Jana Shelfer 7:26

Yes. I mean, there's just there's all sorts of stuff.

Jason Shelfer 7:29

We went through a lot of weirdness with our bodies, our minds, our emotions, and trying to figure all that out. The thing is, as adults, we imagine that we have it all figured out.

Life Paths That Skip Built-In Groups

Jana Shelfer 7:42

I feel like when people have kids, they kind of start bonding together and they kind of start going through life together. Where I think maybe you and I are just maybe speaking to the wind right now, is that we kind of missed out on that. Yes. And I think there are a lot of people like us where we kind of chose a different path, and therefore we don't have that core group of play date. Like we never had Friendsgiving. I mean, we were invited to our first Friendsgiving two years ago, and it was almost like I don't, I don't even know how to act here. We showed up with turkey hats. Do you remember?

Jason Shelfer 8:31

I remember. So we were the life of the party, though.

Jana Shelfer 8:36

I I know, I know. I just I feel like deep friendships are harder for me to cultivate as I get older.

Jason Shelfer 8:49

Well, and I think that's something that we just get to explore together. I feel like a lot of people have this. And I think because I think so. One one of the things is if if people are just bonding over their kids, uh-huh. What happens when their kids go off to school?

Jana Shelfer 9:03

Well, then they find Jana and Jason. Right. And that's when they become our friends. But however, then we've missed the last 20 years together, and it feels like we're starting from scratch, which can feel a little surface at all.

Jason Shelfer 9:18

And what we find is is now they want to be in our sphere all the time. Like it's it's one of those things where it's like, can we do everything together? And which is a little overwhelming because what they've done is they've wanted to replace it.

Jana Shelfer 9:35

We can't have it both ways. We're we're speaking out of both ends of our mouths.

Jason Shelfer 9:39

All I'm saying is sometimes we need to find our core friend group and understand is this a connection and a relationship or is it a replacement of?

Jana Shelfer 9:49

Yeah, that's true. That is true.

Jason Shelfer 9:52

Because I and I and it might just be uh they're wanting that core relationship, yeah, but sometimes it feels like I'm being I'm trying to replace a child.

Jana Shelfer 10:03

Yeah, like do you remember that one couple that invited us over for dinner?

Jason Shelfer 10:09

And then it was like, can you come back to my immediately? Can we go to dinner Friday too?

Jana Shelfer 10:14

They started planning a vacation with all of us to go on together.

Jason Shelfer 10:19

Yes, and but but that's just the most recent. I feel like it's it happens over and over again. And it's and I and there's I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but that sometimes feels to me like it might be a one of those replacement type things. Like, hey, we're trying to fill space, yeah, and there's people that sometimes I feel can't spend time alone together as a couple.

Jana Shelfer 10:44

You know, that I do find that is maybe more of the truth. That is more of the truth, and you know what I think it is, and this is a topic for another day, but I have found that when couples spend a lot of time together, they start seeing their shadow self in their spouse. Isn't that bizarre? Yeah, and I just want to say, you know what, maybe you should put a mirror between the two of you.

When Your Spouse Becomes The Circle

Jason Shelfer 11:15

Oh yeah, so in there's there's something in there. So if if it's hard to just like I love spending time with you, like you have become my best friend.

Jana Shelfer 11:26

I know. Well, I guess not become, but but we're almost codependent. We almost have the opposite problem.

Jason Shelfer 11:32

Like, but we can have conversations for hours. That's why I I love having road trips with you instead of airplane rides, which is probably why we don't have many friends. Like, why are they people pairing up together? Why are they having their long conversations together and not including us?

Jana Shelfer 11:48

We're like, they're probably talking about us. You're right.

Jason Shelfer 11:50

Why don't they have guests on their podcasts?

Jana Shelfer 11:54

That's so true.

Jason Shelfer 11:55

Why don't they ever have guests on their podcast? We enjoy talking to each other. We're trying to figure this life out, man. Come on.

Speaker 12:02

Trying to figure it out.

Jason Shelfer 12:03

We're working together as a team here. We're the friends. Come on, friends. Oh my gosh. Our Living Lucky® friends.

Jana Shelfer 12:12

Oh, that just made me giggle from the gut. That just gave me a bust up.

Jason Shelfer 12:17

Well, that's what life's about. It's find the fun, find the funny, and just go out there and do the best you can.

Jana Shelfer 12:23

Okay, so um back to our childhood friends, though, because I do feel there's something about it's almost like we share the same DNA in a way.

Jason Shelfer 12:31

I think so. I think the product of our environment and our emotions and everything we're going with at the time.

Jana Shelfer 12:36

You feel now, do you feel you still share it? Share it?

Jason Shelfer 12:43

Yeah, I do. Like we fall, like when I get back together with Mike and Hugh, and even like the people that I ran into back at that 36-year class reunion, there's a part of me that I recognize still in all of them. In all of them. Yes.

Jana Shelfer 13:01

And there was a part of you that felt like you had grown in a different direction.

Jason Shelfer 13:09

In a very far off distant universe.

Jana Shelfer 13:13

Which is interesting. Because I feel the same way.

Jason Shelfer 13:16

Yeah.

Jana Shelfer 13:16

I when I go back home, I'm like, oh, I feel there's something that I just feel so connected to.

Jason Shelfer 13:22

There was a and that part of me, there was a sadness between that disconnect. So there was a very loving and reminiscent piece of me that remembered all that. And then there was a sadness between and a gratefulness of that growth.

Jana Shelfer 13:40

Yeah.

Jason Shelfer 13:41

Because it was like, is there a is there a path for that connection to to come back together? And I don't there's not.

Jana Shelfer 13:53

There might be. I think maybe that might be the circle of life in some weird sort of way.

Jason Shelfer 14:01

It very well might be, and I'm not shutting any doors. Like I know that Mike and Hugh and I are forever. Like that there's a or until time runs out on that. You know? Um the whatever else happens is just something to be curious about. But is there gonna be an would there be an active search in there? There are big, massive dreams that we have, and there's openness and variety out there in that direction. Right. If some of my friends from back home are out there searching in that direction and I run into them, let's go, you know. I'll find them on the way.

Build Containers For Real Connection

Jana Shelfer 14:47

I'm not sure we really had a clear nugget of inspiration, but it was definitely a I think it was fun, an intriguing conversation.

Jason Shelfer 14:57

I think if there's a nugget, build your school bus, build your build your boxes that you want to see your friends in on a regular basis. Right. Well, build your containers that you would like to experience your connections and friends in on a regular, recurring basis, because that's where you are going to build it have the imprint of friendship and connection, I think. And I'll I'll just get we'll get curious about this in our own minds and we'll come back and talk about it in another couple of months.

unknown 15:31

I love it.

Jana Shelfer 15:32

Community is important though, friends are important, and I am gonna continue to maybe explore deep within myself of why it is hard for me to make friends at this age.

Jason Shelfer 15:44

Well, we make them at the ski competitions.

Jana Shelfer 15:46

I know, but I do feel though they're a little um I make them at the competition and then I go back into my everyday life. I'm not I'm not the best.

Jason Shelfer 15:57

They're friends in the ski world.

Jana Shelfer 15:58

I'm not bet the best at combining my worlds.

Jason Shelfer 16:01

Let's go to dinner.

Jana Shelfer 16:03

I'm not the best at combining all of my worlds. Oh, it's so hard being me.

Jason Shelfer 16:10

Oh, mercy.

Speaker 1 16:12

Thanks for joining us. Bye-bye. If the idea of Living Lucky® appeals to you, visit us at LivingLucky.com.