How To Hear Love The Way Your Partner Expresses It

Stop Getting Lost in Translation: Master The Five Love Languages for an Extraordinary Marriage

If you’ve ever felt like you’re doing everything for your partner—only for them to still feel disconnected—you don’t have a love problem; you have a translation problem. In this high-value episode of the Living Lucky® Podcast, Jason and Jana Shelfer dive deep into The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, revealing how to flip the script on relationship frustration.

We move past the basic quiz and get real about how love is expressed vs. received. Whether you’re looking for personal development tips or a complete mindset shift in your marriage, this conversation provides the "decoder ring" for your closest relationships.

In This Episode, You’ll Learn To:

• Identify the 5 Core Channels: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.
• Overcome "Receiving Blocks": Why we sometimes miss the love being offered because it arrives in a language we don't speak.
• Navigate Relationship Nuance: Why your love language might shift depending on the person (Parent-Child vs. Partner).
• Translate Intent into Impact: How to stop personalizing mismatches and start creating connection that actually lands.

Living Lucky® Wisdom Nuggets:

• Intent is Not Impact: You can "talk love" all day, but if you’re on the wrong channel, the message won't be received. (Believe in the people around you)
• The Vulnerability Breakthrough: Jason shares his journey of saying "I love you" to his father and finding the love hidden in "Acts of Service." (Believe in yourself)
• Love as a Frequency: Relationship communication is the highest form of positive thinking in action. (Believe in a higher power)
• Stop the "Bloody Nose" Stress: Jana explains how forced gift-giving created childhood trauma and why "thought" beats "stuff" every time. (Believe in your circumstances)

Hit play to stop the repeating fights and start Living Lucky®!

The Five Love Languages, relationship communication, personal development, marriage advice, Gary Chapman, Living Lucky.  How to understand my partner's love language, communication skills for couples, overcoming

Transcript

Creating A Life You Crave

Jana Shelfer 0:00

Are you ready to create a life you crave? Let's spin that doom loop of negativity into an upward success cycle and start Living Lucky®.

Jason Shelfer 0:14

Good morning!

Jana Shelfer 0:16

I'm Jana. I'm Jason. And we are Living Lucky®.

Jason Shelfer 0:19

We are two.

Jana Shelfer 0:20

We're going to a seminar on Saturday, which is a very common thing for Jason and I.

Jason Shelfer 0:25

Always learning.

Jana Shelfer 0:26

A B L. In the past seven days, we've gone to four seminars.

Jason Shelfer 0:31

I can't stop myself.

Jana Shelfer 0:32

We celebrated our 20th anniversary by going to a seminar.

Jason Shelfer 0:37

Why not?

Jana Shelfer 0:38

A tax lien seminar. How romantic is that?

Jason Shelfer 0:41

You always got to figure out new new streams of abundance around you.

Jana Shelfer 0:45

Luckily, we both love to learn. That is the one thing we have in common. On Saturday, though, we are going to a love language seminar.

Jason Shelfer 0:57

Well, one of our biggest values is love and our relationship.

Jana Shelfer 1:01

It is my number one biggest value.

Jason Shelfer 1:04

So why not always look for when we're trying to build extraordinary, when we're trying to have this extraordinary experience of life with each other, why not constantly start peeking behind doors to see, is there anything else? Like, is there anything that might that I might see differently?

Jana Shelfer 1:23

Okay, you know, I read this book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I read that or I listened to it on Audible. Literally, I remember reading listening to this. I say reading, though that's interchangeable.

Jason Shelfer 1:37

I think it is interchangeable as well.

Jana Shelfer 1:39

I remember reading this. It's been 12 years ago. It was in 2014, maybe 2015. It was on one of my first trips solo to Kansas.

Jason Shelfer 1:53

Cross country.

Jana Shelfer 1:54

I had just quit my job and I was like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna drive across the United States.

Jason Shelfer 1:59

Get in the car and just go.

Jana Shelfer 2:00

And I remember listening to this thinking, oh my gosh, I had never really thought about this before. And it literally is communication, but it's in the way we love. Yes. And it's not only in the way we express our love, it's in the way we receive our love.

Jason Shelfer 2:21

Yeah, and one of the things that you talk about a lot in communication is am I getting my point across? But also, is someone else receiving it and hearing it the way I'm intending it?

Jana Shelfer 2:33

Uh there's so many nuances to communication.

Jason Shelfer 2:36

And that's huge because like in a love language, I can be talking to you all day long. I can be giving my love language, I can be giving love all day long, but are you hearing it the way I want to be sharing it?

Jana Shelfer 2:52

And sometimes we have blocks in receiving. Sometimes there are literally blocks in receiving. I know I mean, we're taking this wealth consciousness class, and that's one of the prime examples. People have blocks when it comes to receiving everything wealth.

Jason Shelfer 3:11

You can transfer all this love languages because it's really about communication within relationships.

Jana Shelfer 3:18

It really is.

The Five Love Languages Explained

Jason Shelfer 3:19

Yes. And everything in life is your relationship to it.

Jana Shelfer 3:22

Okay, so let me just give you a lowdown of what the premise of the five love languages is. There's five basic love languages that we all tend to fall under. One is words of affirmation. Words of affirmation, which I that's that's probably my second love language. I love hearing words of affirmation. Tell me how great I am. Just tell me. Tell me how much you love me. Tell me how much you love me and tell me that you adore me. Hold me. Tell me that you love me. Yes. Uh just tell me.

Jason Shelfer 4:00

Yep. Number two is acts of service.

Jana Shelfer 4:02

That's Jason's love language. Jason loves to express in that he loves to make me coffee.

Jason Shelfer 4:10

He loves to do for, I love to help.

Jana Shelfer 4:12

He loves to make dinner and bring it into bed. And hey, I'm all about that too. I'm like, hey, if you want to, if you want to do that for me, okay.

Jason Shelfer 4:21

My queen.

unknown 4:22

Yeah.

Jana Shelfer 4:24

What's number three?

Jason Shelfer 4:25

Receiving gifts. Okay. Clearly, this is not our love language.

Jana Shelfer 4:29

Neither one of us.

Jason Shelfer 4:30

It's not how we receive or how we give.

Jana Shelfer 4:34

For some reason, gifts are not in our it's just not the way we speak.

Jason Shelfer 4:41

And I think it's just because we we are not, and it's not about being materialistic. This is about the thought behind the gift. So we give each other gifts all the time, and we give each other thoughtful gifts, but it's just not our love language.

Jana Shelfer 4:54

Sometimes they're just ideas. Yes. I'm like, take that as a gift.

Jason Shelfer 4:58

Number four is quality time.

Jana Shelfer 5:01

Now, now you're talking my love language.

Jason Shelfer 5:04

Yes.

Jana Shelfer 5:04

Quality time is where I thrive. Thrive. Yes. And very few people get my time.

Jason Shelfer 5:15

Quality time, quality time is a big one for me, too. That's that's why I love working together. A lot of people over COVID are like, quality time is not my love language right now.

Jana Shelfer 5:24

COVID was my best year ever.

Jason Shelfer 5:28

And I think quality time might actually be when people are communicating well, they might realize quality time is a very, a very high value in their love language.

Jana Shelfer 5:41

I mean, I've even had people throw out words like codependent. And so I'm like, don't even try to make this a bad thing. I love spending time with my husband. It is my favorite thing to do. I think he is, he just makes things way more fun.

Jason Shelfer 5:57

The only thing she would trade me in for is her dog. And that's okay. The fifth one is physical touch.

Jana Shelfer 6:04

Physical touch. I uh I am not a huge physical touch person. I'm gonna be real.

Jason Shelfer 6:15

Well, it's and just people have different ways. It's it's about how so we have the connection.

Jana Shelfer 6:22

Yeah.

Jason Shelfer 6:22

And it's it's not, it's like, do we need to be like all over each other to know that we can't love each other and have that deep emotional physical connection?

Jana Shelfer 6:33

So like I know people like to snuggle and whatnot.

Jason Shelfer 6:36

I'm a hot body.

Jana Shelfer 6:38

I don't like people breathing on me. I'm gonna be real, and I never quite feel comfortable. Uh, you know, I like having my pillows around me. I like being in bed beside you, yes.

Jason Shelfer 6:53

Right.

Jana Shelfer 6:54

But I like being on my side. I like you being on your side.

Jason Shelfer 6:57

We love to walk down the street holding hands.

Jana Shelfer 6:59

I I exactly. And I love sitting close to you and touching you that way, but I don't, I don't need to be all spooned up. Do you know what I'm saying?

Jason Shelfer 7:11

Why are you so on me? Like some people, you know how they like sleep in a in you know I need to know that you're there, and it's like that's kind of like their safe, that's that's their safe zone.

Jana Shelfer 7:21

They're like, here, let me sleep on your chest. I'm like, I don't uh there's like hair in my ear.

Jason Shelfer 7:29

Let me put some of this chest salad on you.

Jana Shelfer 7:34

So there's ways that we give love, and there's ways that we receive it. And I'm telling you, when I read this book for the first time, which was literally 14 years ago, 12 years ago.

Jason Shelfer 7:47

I and I read it about the same time. I think you called me from the road and said you have to read this book.

Jana Shelfer 7:53

Because it opened my awareness at that time. I remember, I remember specifically at that time in my life, I had never really thought about this. Now, I watch many. Okay, so I love a guilty pleasure, which is, you know, those dating shows. Love is blind. I love a love is blind show. And nowadays it feels like that's one of the questions, you know, in the dating. What's your love language? So what's your love language?

Jason Shelfer 8:23

So it feels like and make sure that we're I'm speaking to you on your love language.

Jana Shelfer 8:27

It feels now like that's a common question. It comes up in conversation quite often. If we're at a party or something, many people talk about their love language, and I don't even know if they know what they're talking about.

Jason Shelfer 8:42

I will I will also say that there are still so many people that have no idea that there are different love languages.

A Father Son Love Language Blind Spot

Jana Shelfer 8:47

I know, but they talk about it like they do know. Well, uh so it feels like there's a a collective consciousness that has risen, and love language has become part of the common vernacular.

Jason Shelfer 9:01

Well, I will tell you this we've spent decades in this personal development.

Jana Shelfer 9:08

We have.

Jason Shelfer 9:09

I started I read the book back 12 years ago when you did, and I was in Cancun with my coach at a mastermind and another coach from England, and I learned how I was still I still had a blind spot between myself and my father.

Jana Shelfer 9:31

Okay, tell me more.

Jason Shelfer 9:32

So the love language between us as father and son, where I would not call him and tell him that I love him, or when we had communication, we wouldn't say I love you to each other.

Jana Shelfer 9:45

In fact, you wouldn't call each other at all.

Jason Shelfer 9:47

Right.

Jana Shelfer 9:48

And when you would call each other, it was how fast can we get off the phone? It was hot potato phone.

Jason Shelfer 9:53

It was a hot potato phone. It was we tried to have the shortest conversations as possible because conversation was difficult.

Jana Shelfer 9:59

And it literally was okay, check that off the box. Let's get off the phone.

Jason Shelfer 10:03

You doing all right? Yeah, I'm doing all good. Okay, bye. Just want to check in.

Jana Shelfer 10:06

Yeah.

Jason Shelfer 10:07

So I said the one problem, the one of my biggest issues is I won't tell my dad how much I love him because I'm scared to death he won't say it back.

Jana Shelfer 10:17

Yeah.

Jason Shelfer 10:18

So from I have a different love language from my father that I have with you.

Jana Shelfer 10:23

Right.

Jason Shelfer 10:24

And that is a really interesting thing that I didn't recognize even after reading the book, even after um mentally or intellectually understanding the book. And then that was brought to my awareness through the coach. So he said, Call your father, tell him that you love him. He goes, What's the worst that's gonna happen? I said, He's not gonna say it back, and I'm gonna be devastated. And he goes, Call him, see what happens. And I called him, I told him I loved him. He said, Okay, gotta go. And I didn't die, I wasn't devastated. And then the coach said, How else is he saying that he loves you? What else is he doing that says he loves you in a different language? And then I just started reeling off all the things that my dad does because my dad shows his love the same way I like to show love in acts of service. He does everything.

Jana Shelfer 11:19

That's very beautiful, you know. I mean, he cooks for us whenever we go there. He's always growing food and you know, picking it from his garden and cooking for us.

Jason Shelfer 11:30

Yes, like that is work seven days a week to give me a an amazing life or a life that I felt was amazing. And so I my love language is acts of service, but from him, my love language is affirmation. And that's the he's really the only person that I wanted that love language of words of affirmation.

Jana Shelfer 11:56

Oh, so you were seeking words of affirmation from him, however, yeah. So he isn't that interesting how because you don't seek that from me. I don't seek it from anyone, but you seek him from him.

Jason Shelfer 12:10

So he's the only one I want to say it. So it's recognizing, okay, what is the love language between us? What's the love language between you and I as partners? Because because we're husband and wife.

Jana Shelfer 12:23

Yeah.

Jason Shelfer 12:24

What's my love language between me and my children? What's my love language between me and coworkers? There's love is the the common bond that brings everyone together.

Jana Shelfer 12:33

Yes, right?

Jason Shelfer 12:34

That's yes, to me, that's the highest, highest of all vibrations. But what it we all have a different love language between us, and it's gonna be different. So I I have a love language that's most common, a love language for for the two of us, and then noticing that it might be different for different people, not just to pigeonhole myself into it's just acts of service, because he was filling my bucket with acts of service, and I was like, don't even hear it.

Jana Shelfer 13:05

You know, that's really interesting to think about. I I think about the relationship with my mom. You know, my mom is all about gifts, gifts, taking you to recitals, like giving up her time to quote unquote No, that's not you're you're you're making up your own stories. I'm making up my stories. Yeah, no, that my dad took me to my lessons, gotcha. Uh, but my mom uh she was always, you know, gifts, gifts. She always looking for ways to go shopping, which I hated shopping. Absolutely hated it. She was like, let's go shopping, let's go spend it. I would always get a bloody nose. Always. I would get a bloody nose to where like it would almost become like a thing where the department store I would have to lay down in the department store. It the blood would get on the clothes.

Jason Shelfer 14:08

Who was the little blonde girl from the movie Firestarter that always got a bloody nose when she started a fire? Oh, Drew Barrymore. Drew Barrymore. Yeah, so you are that uh shopping shopping girl who got bloody nose.

Jana Shelfer 14:19

It was bad. I'm sorry, I'm not laughing. No, we got so where if we went shopping, we had to take like this big old pack of towels and ice packs, washcloths.

Jason Shelfer 14:31

Hold on, we're going on a shopping spree. Bring Jana's blood trauma kit.

Jana Shelfer 14:37

But my mom loved to shop. Now I hated it, but you would think that it would be a way for me to spend time with her because I love spending like you know, quality time is your love language, but not with my mom.

Jason Shelfer 14:50

Right.

Jana Shelfer 14:51

But now I would love to spend time with my mom, but it feels like like we do we both love arts and crafts. However, my mom never wants to do arts and crafts with me.

Jason Shelfer 15:02

It seems like that.

Jana Shelfer 15:04

She always wants to go upstairs or she goes to her her space or her club, but she never invites me, and I'm always offended. I'm always offended. I'm like, why doesn't she invite me to go with her?

Jason Shelfer 15:20

It's still speaking her love language. And I hate gifts, and she loves gifts.

Jana Shelfer 15:24

I hate gifts, so it's we haven't figured out the love language thing.

Questions To Find Your Language

Jason Shelfer 15:29

Isn't it interesting?

Jana Shelfer 15:30

Yeah, I can't wait for this seminar. I'm gonna learn so much.

Jason Shelfer 15:34

Oh hopefully, you got something out of this podcast.

Jana Shelfer 15:37

Love language. Ask yourself, what is your love language and with different people? What is your love language with different people? What are you seeking? What are you giving? How are you expressing? What are you receiving? It's just so interesting to think about.

Jason Shelfer 15:54

We're all incredible human beings with different ways of hearing, different ways of talking, and different ways of giving and receiving.

Jana Shelfer 16:00

I do know we love you.

Jason Shelfer 16:02

We do.

Jana Shelfer 16:02

Thanks for joining us.

Jason Shelfer 16:03

Keep Living Lucky®.

Closing And Where To Find Us

Jana Shelfer 16:04

Bye bye. If the idea of Living Lucky® appeals to you, visit us at LivingLucky.com.