Living Lucky® Podcast with Jason and Jana Banana

From External Validation To Inner Velocity: Choosing Authenticity Over Approval

• Jana and Jason Shelfer • Season 10 • Episode 15

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Stop the Filtering: Trade External Validation for Internal Velocity 

Do you worry about how you "land" in every room? In this episode of Living Lucky®, Jason and Jana Banana expose how approval-hunting hijacks your energy and calendar. Learn to shift from the exhaustion of people-pleasing to internal velocity—the grounded momentum of living by your own standards.

We dive into "the chameleon gift" and the hidden tax paid when you forget your own preferences to keep the peace. Stop filtering your truth and start reclaiming your agency.

In this episode:

  • Escape the Approval Trap: See how managing others' reactions weakens your personal power.
  • Master Micro-Declarations: Use small, honest choices to rebuild your authenticity.
  • Kill Post-Event Rumination: Silence the "internal bully" that second-guesses your social interactions.

Nuggets:

  • Velocity over Validation: Success grows from your internal scorecard, not external "gold stars." (Believe in yourself).
  • The Chameleon Cost: If you only mirror others' preferences, they love your mask, not you. (Believe in the people around you).
  • Empathy Without Baggage: You can care for people without inheriting their emotional heavy lifting. (Believe in your circumstances).
  • The Filtering Tax: Every time you edit your truth to "fit in," you deplete your energy bank. (Believe in a higher power).

Stop managing the room and start honoring your soul. Hit play to find your internal velocity and start Living Lucky® today!

  • Self-help, personal development, authenticity, mindset shift, life coaching, positive thinking.
  • Overcoming people-pleasing habits, how to stop seeking external validation, building internal velocity, setting boundaries with family and church, recovery from post-social rumination.
  • "What is internal velocity in personal growth?" Internal velocity is the psychological momentum achieved by living in alignment with one's own values and standards rather than seeking external validation. It results in higher energy, clearer decision-making, and a stronger sense of personal agency.
  • "How do I stop being a people pleaser?" Start with "micro-declarations." Practice naming your true preferences in low-stakes situations (like what to eat or watch). Replace the qu

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The 4 pillars of Living Lucky
Believe in yourself
Believe in the people around you
Believe in your circumstances and
Believe that God is working through you, for you, and always conspiring in your favor.

*Previously Recorded

Jana Shelfer:

Are you ready to create a life you crave? Let's spin that doom loop of negativity into an upward success cycle and start Living Lucky®.

Jason Shelfer:

Good morning.

Jana Shelfer:

I'm Jana. I'm Jason. And we are Living Lucky®.

Jason Shelfer:

You are too.

Jana Shelfer:

Do you ever worry about how things land?

Jason Shelfer:

Yeah, about how it comes off in the world.

Jana Shelfer:

Like, how is this being perceived? How am I being perceived? Did I say something that's gonna hurt someone's feelings?

Jason Shelfer:

Right. So that's all about external validation.

Jana Shelfer:

However, and it's so funny you say that because growing up, I was taught that that is being considerate. Right. That is being conscientious of other people's feelings.

Jason Shelfer:

Feelings, making sure everyone else knows they matter.

Jana Shelfer:

Yes.

Jason Shelfer:

And what happens is we start to learn that other people matter more than we do.

unknown:

Yeah.

Jason Shelfer:

And that's kind of it grows that thought.

Jana Shelfer:

We don't, that's not the intention. But that is what starts to happen.

Jason Shelfer:

Yeah. Well, when you're young, you don't have the the mind power or the you don't have the experience necessary to know that you need to be authentic to yourself. Yes. And also sometimes that authenticity rubs is gonna rub people the wrong way as a as a child, right? I don't want that person at my birthday party. They don't make me feel good. They don't like that's not my crowd.

Jana Shelfer:

And then your mom goes, no, we have to invite everybody back because we live in a small town and we can't, we have to be inclusive.

Jason Shelfer:

And you also it you don't I I think as humans, we don't want to make anyone feel bad, right? But also there are 8 billion people in the world.

Jana Shelfer:

But what makes us feel good?

Jason Shelfer:

Right. That's that's the that's the flip side of the coin. There is a balancing act in here, but it's there's eight billion people in the world, and you're not gonna make everyone happy, ever. You know?

Jana Shelfer:

I feel like this topic is hitting me on the head like a big old whammy.

Jason Shelfer:

Well, it's it there's a lot, there's so much truth in it. Like I remember growing up and kind of being put in situations that I I wouldn't have wanted to be in.

Jana Shelfer:

Not only growing up now. Well, yeah. I I mean sometimes I am like, oh, I want to post this on Instagram. Oh, but I can't.

Jason Shelfer:

Yeah, how will it? How will it be perceived? Am I gonna get canceled?

Jana Shelfer:

Not only canceled, but then I think, oh, I don't want so-and-so to know that I'm here.

Jason Shelfer:

Right.

Jana Shelfer:

Or I don't want this person to know that I'm hanging out with this person.

Jason Shelfer:

Crazy.

Jana Shelfer:

Because I don't want to hurt their feelings.

Jason Shelfer:

Yeah, you're not getting left out.

Jana Shelfer:

It's not that I'm trying to be secretive.

Jason Shelfer:

No one's getting left out. It's just there's space and time for different activities in someone's life. And so often we'd want to judge someone else for their activities if even when we're not involved. It's a really weird thing.

Jana Shelfer:

It is so bizarre, right? However, when you were when we were going over this topic, you read a few ramifications of this.

Jason Shelfer:

Well, there's a there's the external validation or there's internal velocity. And I think the internal velocity is what we all want that gives us agency over our life. It gives us, it brings us really back to self. And it's not selfishness, it's and but it just helps us get back to who we are.

Jana Shelfer:

So it's true authenticity.

Jason Shelfer:

So that we we start building the life that we imagine, you know, instead of catering to what we think other people want or other people want for us or or want from us.

Jana Shelfer:

You read in there that, you know, people often will buy a house because it's what they think their parents would want them to buy, or they go into a career because they think, oh, that's that would make dad proud.

Jason Shelfer:

Or you go to that Sunday brunch with everybody when what you really want and need is a nap. Right. You know, it's that's the one that hit me really hard.

Jana Shelfer:

Yeah, because a lot of times I and I expect me to be there. And I don't want to put church people down in any way, but I'm just gonna say it. Uh I am not involved in a formal church, and I just feel like there is so much judgment sometimes that comes from formal religion and also not being involved in it, yeah.

Jason Shelfer:

Right?

Jana Shelfer:

It's like you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

Jason Shelfer:

Yes.

Jana Shelfer:

And just like you said, if Sunday comes around and I just want to lay in bed, then all of a sudden it's like, why weren't you at church?

Jason Shelfer:

Yeah, we were this Sunday. We missed you at church. We haven't seen you, and that's a them problem.

Jana Shelfer:

No, we literally went to a cocktail party last last week. And the first thing someone said to me was, we haven't seen you in church in like three years.

Jason Shelfer:

We have our own church.

Jana Shelfer:

I I'm like, I go out on the water every day.

Jason Shelfer:

Right.

Jana Shelfer:

That's that's my that's my spirituality.

Jason Shelfer:

Yeah. It's and so when we lean into what the other what other people's expectations are for us, we we do lose a little bit of ourselves. And we also wonder, do you like me because I'm here, which is fighting with your subconscious because you don't want to be there.

Jana Shelfer:

Right.

Jason Shelfer:

So are you liking me for the things I don't like to do?

Jana Shelfer:

Does that I mean it's a weird that's when you put it like that, it's like a slap in the face, isn't it?

Jason Shelfer:

Because if you're liking me for doing the things I don't like to do, does that mean the the authentic me has less value?

Jana Shelfer:

So I'm just gonna be completely, completely vulnerable here. I have noticed sometimes, Jason and I, as a team, as a couple, we have a tendency to become chameleons sometimes. It's almost like we have learned to fit in to what's needed.

Jason Shelfer:

Yeah, to fill to almost gaps, to fill the gaps.

Jana Shelfer:

It's like we have this ability to go into a group and we can kind of fill in the gaps of what the group needs to balance it out a lot.

Jason Shelfer:

It's almost like a DJ, right? Yes, like how do we get this crowd dancing? Yes, and which I'm I'm still fine with that because it's superpowers. That is part of what I like to do.

Jana Shelfer:

However, at times it feels like we are putting everyone else's needs and wants. Sometimes uh I have there's conflicting energy. In fact, sometimes I have a hard time even knowing what I want. That's the problem. I mean, when when you can be so malleable that you get into a car and people say, Hey, what do you want to eat? And whatever comes up, you're like, I don't care. I could do that, that's fine with me.

Jason Shelfer:

I would like a salad.

Jana Shelfer:

Yep. At some point, it's like, no, I want this. I I did this yesterday, and it felt so weird.

Jason Shelfer:

I wanted ice cream, and we've been very good about not having like being on a this health kick.

Jana Shelfer:

We've been very good about making healthy choices. However, my soul really wanted something sweet. And I even said, Did you get anything sweet from the groceries? And you said, Yeah, I got some nuts. Sweet nuts. I'm like, that's sweet nuts. Nuts are not sweet. And so all of a sudden, I found myself on the shipped app and I literally Buckwild. I did. I ordered ice cream, I ordered cookies.

Jason Shelfer:

You also got a little small bag of broccoli. A little small bag of broccoli. And there was a part of me that was I'm gonna treat myself with some broccoli once I'm done doing all this.

Jana Shelfer:

So sometimes I feel guilty about treating myself. Is that an entirely different topic?

Jason Shelfer:

I don't, I don't think so. I mean, it's there's there's another part of it in there that's like, am I treating myself well or am I looking for that comfort?

Jana Shelfer:

Okay, yeah. So that's a different thing.

Jason Shelfer:

But it's okay. Like so that's that's I can think that's kind of what we're talking about. Because there's a lot of people.

Jana Shelfer:

But I do worry about what other people think. You know what?

Jason Shelfer:

Everyone, everyone wants ice cream. So worrying about having someone judge you for eating the ice cream, that's I think the worry is the problem, right? It's that it's that worry about okay, what are people, what's the lady that's bringing the ship or the the person that's bringing the ship to my door gonna think about what I'm ordering.

Jana Shelfer:

I also though think we've been conditioned and we have been trained to worry about what other people think. And it goes back to the animal kingdom that we do have this innate want to fit in.

Jason Shelfer:

Yeah, well, and also just think about when when little girls leave their house or or teens leave their house, don't never go outside without your lips on. You know, I I remember hearing that, and I'm a guy. Like I remember hearing things like because you want to impress, and if you're looking to impress to fit in, then you always have to worry about am I enough the way I am right now?

Jana Shelfer:

That's such an internal conflict. I think a lot of us struggle with that. Well, I do know I uh in our last podcast, I was telling everyone about how I was called up to give an impromptu speech at Toastmasters, and it the question was do you rather text or pick up the phone and call? Right. And that was the prompt. And as I started telling my answer of being truly authentic, you could hear the internal voice. My answer was, you know what? Actually, I prefer a text. Right. I prefer texting, it feels a little more convenient for me.

Jason Shelfer:

You could almost see the crowd kind of move back a little bit.

Jana Shelfer:

And wince, like, yeah, we we thought you were a deep connection person.

Jason Shelfer:

We didn't know you were gonna be honest.

Jana Shelfer:

No, I can I can feel that. And that's the thing, is that I am so empathic or empathetic, however you want to say the word, I typically say empathic, so I'm just gonna fucking say it.

Jason Shelfer:

There's the F bomb, we're not gonna edit out.

Jana Shelfer:

I am so empathic that I can feel and almost put myself in other people's shoes of that vibe being taken aback. Yes.

Jason Shelfer:

Yeah, and that's a and again, that's a them problem. But we've what we've done is we've said, how do I inherit other people's problems around me? And we do this throughout our days, throughout, throughout our lives. How do I take someone else's internal problems?

Jana Shelfer:

Just the letter is so good.

Jason Shelfer:

And how do I how do I get a piece of that pie for me when we don't even need it? It's like, can I have some of your baggage, please?

Jana Shelfer:

We should. I mean, what why are we trying to make problems contagious?

Jason Shelfer:

Let me help you with your baggage.

unknown:

Yeah.

Jason Shelfer:

Oh my god. And it's but but the other part of that is we're not taught to to examine our own thoughts and uh examine our own judgments and say, what is what is this teaching me about me? Um that's something we've spent the last 10 years doing, which is a which creates this new dichotomy of just Do I like?

Jana Shelfer:

Do I like this this me that I'm finally letting unveil?

Jason Shelfer:

When I think the more pieces of that onion we we pull back, we'll we'll get down to that we're all about love, we're all about harmony, we're all about peace, like we're all about um creating, growing, expanding, evolving.

Jana Shelfer:

This is landing on me so hard right now because I've had a couple experiences in the past week, even even yesterday. I was on Good Day Orlando yesterday. I had an interview where I really was in the moment. I really was in the moment.

Jason Shelfer:

I could feel it.

Jana Shelfer:

However, when it ended, it's natural to go back and second guess to go back and ruminate and say, Oh my gosh, did I say everything I was supposed to say? Did was I did I send out my thank yous to people that I wanted to thank you? Did I get my message across? Did I let people know that my mindset coach is my husband? Like all of these things that came in was I good enough, and what you're telling me is I am judging myself.

Jason Shelfer:

Yeah. And that's something to be really aware of. Like, are you spending a lot of time ruminating on Jana is judging internal bully of like how am I judging myself? And then the crazy thing about that is is we do all this internal bullying of ourselves, and we think that other people are worried about what we think.

Jana Shelfer:

Okay, here's one last nugget that will just blow your mind. When we decided on this topic, the reason is the minute you start filtering yourself on how is this being perceived? How am I being recepted out there? When you start thinking of that, you actually are weakening your own power.

Jason Shelfer:

Yeah, you're weakening your own power and you're depleting your energy a ton.

Jana Shelfer:

Thanks for joining us.

Jason Shelfer:

Keep Living Lucky®.

Jana Shelfer:

Say whatever you fucking want.

unknown:

Bye bye.

Jana Shelfer:

If the idea of Living Lucky® appeals to you, visit us at LivingLucky.com.

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Jana Shelfer

Host
Head Shot

Jason Shelfer

Host