Stop Fishing For Guilt

Say "No," End Guilt Trips: The Boundary Hack You Need 🛑 

Does a simple "no" trigger guilt and debate? This self-help episode uses a real-life conflict to show you how to say "No is a sentence" without collapsing your boundaries.

Stop the pressure to over-explain your way out of commitments. Learn to be direct, kind, and brief to protect your time, energy, and self-respect.

Master two mindset shifts for pushback:

1. The Let Them Mindset: Detach from other people's negative reactions.
2. The Guilt Hook: Stop "fishing for guilt," pull your attention out of the water, and reclaim your focus.

Nuggets & Takeaways:

• No Is a Sentence: "No is a sentence." It protects your boundaries and values. Clarity is kindness; brevity prevents debate.
• The Over-Explaining Trap: Avoid rationalization. Over-explaining invites pushback. No should be good enough.
• The Let Them Mindset: If people react negatively, embrace Let Them. Let them have their feelings; you do not have to manage every emotion.
• Stop Fishing for Guilt: Guilt keeps nibbling on your line (attention). Pull the line out, disengage, and move to a different focus.
• The Guilt Release Ritual: Acknowledge disappointment ("I hear you’re disappointed") but hold the line: "My answer stays the same."
• Prioritizing Commitments: Boundaries keep promises to others by first keeping promises to yourself. Clarity beats accommodation.
• Scripts for Clarity: Use short phrases: "That doesn't work for me" or "Not today" (offer an alternative only if genuine).

Set clear boundaries and stop letting guilt steal your energy? Hit play and say "no" with confidence!

• How to say no without feeling guilty. Scripts for setting clear boundaries. What is the "Let Them" mindset for handling pushback? The guilt hook metaphor explained. Why women over-explain their boundaries. How to stop absorbing other people's reactions. Protecting your time and energy from unexpected requests. What is the principle 'No is a sentence'? How can I stop feeling guilty after saying no to someone? What is the 'guilt hook' metaphor in personal development? How does the 'Let Them' mindset work? Why is it important to avoid over-explaining

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*Previously Recorded

Chapters

• 0:00 From Doom Loops To Living Lucky
• 0:20 No Is A Complete Sentence
• 1:08 The Invite That Tested Our Boundaries
• 2:40 Schedules, Priorities, And Saying Not Today
• 3:55 When Pushback And Gossip Show Up
• 5:10 Let Them: Detaching From Others’ Reactions
• 6:05 Women, Politeness, And The Pressure To Explain
• 7:20 Respecting Your Own Feelings First
• 8:05 The Fishing For Guilt Metaphor
• 9:00 Letting Go And Moving On

Transcript

Jana Shelfer: 0:00

Are you ready to create a life you crave? Let's spin that doom loop of negativity into an upward success cycle and start Living Lucky®.

Jason Shelfer: 0:14

Good morning! I'm Jana Shelfer. I'm Jason.

Jana Shelfer: 0:17

And we are Living Lucky®.

Jason Shelfer: 0:19

You are too.

Jana Shelfer: 0:20

No is a sentence.

Jason Shelfer: 0:23

It's a complete answer.

Jana Shelfer: 0:25

No. Period. No. Exclamation point.

Jason Shelfer: 0:30

This does not work for me right now. No? No.

Jana Shelfer: 0:32

You can even put a question mark behind it, but it is a sentence. Why is it that we sometimes feel we need to rationalize our boundaries?

Jason Shelfer: 0:43

And give excuses, explanations, all this.

Jana Shelfer: 0:47

And then proceed to feel guilty or I don't I think the word is guilty for some reason. Made to feel guilty for saying no.

Jason Shelfer: 0:57

And people that don't respect the boundaries or have their own agenda want to just push those boundaries or see how strong the boundary is.

Jana Shelfer: 1:08

So I have had a situation in the last few days, and I won't mention any names. I sometimes feel badly about about sharing so much.

Jason Shelfer: 1:20

All of our friends know all of our friends know that if it happens in our life, it's it's bound to be on the podcast.

Jana Shelfer: 1:25

It's gonna be on the podcast. Anyway, I had someone text me and say, Hey, I heard that you have a group of people over at your house. And I would like to come hang out with everybody. Perfect. And I texted back and said, Today we are getting a late start on the water because we're we're water skiers and we're training.

Jason Shelfer: 1:51

And the yesterday everyone got in. So, first of all, everyone arrived the day before, uh-huh. Late at night. We're getting a late start because everyone people came in from California, from the west coast of Canada. We're getting a late start so they can get through their jet lag. They're gonna sleep in a little bit, we're gonna get a late start.

Jana Shelfer: 2:10

And also just feel the lay of the land. Yeah. Like they were just you know, let me see the house, let me see the lake, let me see the course. We were setting the tone of the camp.

Jason Shelfer: 2:20

Right.

Jana Shelfer: 2:21

I get this text of someone saying, Hey, I want to come and hang out with everybody today. Now I know that this person is a talker. And I also know, I mean, uh I also know that we have things to do. Like we had a schedule. Plus, Jason and I had our big gala in the evening. So I knew that we would have to end a little early so that we could all shower and get ready.

Jason Shelfer: 2:47

So it it's if the ski day starts at 10 a.m. and we have to leave for the gala at 3 p.m., that doesn't leave a lot of room for the things that need to get done in the in the middle, like the work. It doesn't leave a lot for work to get done.

Jana Shelfer: 3:00

Okay, so to proceed in the story, I texted back and said, today is not the best day. However, if you would like to come, and then I gave options of other days to come. Yeah, everyone's here for a week, a whole week.

Jason Shelfer: 3:14

Well, this person got butt rage. Yeah, so and we and if you haven't listened my favorite term. And if you haven't listened to our butt butt rage podcast, which talks about being butthurt or disappointed, upset, upset need needing to push that boundary, like make someone feel guilty about something or being really just disappointed in something over and over and over again, go back and listen to that podcast because I'll explain that fully.

Jana Shelfer: 3:41

And so then I I proceeded to get an earful from not only the person that was texting, but from the other people he was texting around my circle. Yeah, this person texted me and said this person is very upset that you didn't want them to come over today.

Jason Shelfer: 3:58

And said he couldn't come over. And so then, it wasn't that he couldn't come over today, that he couldn't come over.

Jana Shelfer: 4:04

But that's not the truth.

Jason Shelfer: 4:05

Right. The truth was today's not a good day.

Jana Shelfer: 4:08

Today's not a good day. Today doesn't work with our schedule.

Jason Shelfer: 4:11

We can make accommodations any other day.

Jana Shelfer: 4:15

So I've gone to bed uh every night and I literally stew in in like some sort of, oh gosh, should I feel badly about how much mental energy should you give to someone who doesn't respect your boundaries?

Jason Shelfer: 4:29

That's the question.

Jana Shelfer: 4:30

And that's what it really comes down to. And this morning I just had an aha moment that, hey, you know what? I feel a little disrespected in that I gave my answer and then it was questioned and gossiped about and talked about and whatnot.

Jason Shelfer: 4:49

And I think that goes back to like Mel Robbins has a great series called Let Them. And just say, you know what? I've answered this question and I I'm done with it. Like let them do it.

Jana Shelfer: 5:00

I've also heard Mel Robbins also say that no is a sentence.

Jason Shelfer: 5:05

No is a sentence.

Jana Shelfer: 5:06

And I will say, in this society, for some reason, I think females many times feel that they need to rationalize their answer or even add a thank you at the end of it. No thank you. No, thank you, which I know is a politeness, and so I'm not saying don't do that, but I'm I'm saying if you just want to say no, no is no is sufficient.

Jason Shelfer: 5:32

No should be good enough.

Jana Shelfer: 5:34

Yes, it is, it is good enough.

Jason Shelfer: 5:36

Yeah. I I completely concur. And I will also give like I don't so I I have this thing about wanting to not hurt feelings. Like we all have this inherent because we're pleased to like want to to stay in good graces and and not hurt feelings, and I get it. Like I totally get that. And it's and no one is going like I don't think people want to go out and hurt feelings or or want to say to dismiss. Yes. Like to say, you don't matter, you're I'm dismissing you. And it's not about that. Like I think you did it wonderfully by saying, Hey, this isn't a good day for us. This isn't this isn't the optimal timing. How how would these days can we can we do something? We have this all these other days available.

Jana Shelfer: 6:24

Yes.

Jason Shelfer: 6:25

Please please come, please, please, we're we welcome you to our house, welcome you into the to the fold, please come on these other any other day.

Jana Shelfer: 6:34

Yes.

Jason Shelfer: 6:35

And that just wasn't good enough. And then the other excuses were those does didn't work for me. Well, I'm sorry, then this isn't the trip. This is this isn't this isn't the right timing for either of us. But it's not your fault that today doesn't work. It's not our fault that today doesn't work for him. Yes.

Jana Shelfer: 6:53

That's the thing. And that's what I found with with this whole situation is letting it go within myself. Letting the um just letting it go.

Jason Shelfer: 7:04

So how do I let go of the fact that I've disappointed someone?

Jana Shelfer: 7:08

Yes. And that is very hard for me. Which is I it which for me is why I think a lot of people they say no, and then sometimes they'll they rationalize their no. They they feel like they need to either give excuses or they need to come up with a reason.

Jason Shelfer: 7:26

So sometimes it's not about not hurting the other person's feelings.

Jana Shelfer: 7:30

It's about respecting your own.

Jason Shelfer: 7:32

Yeah. And also it's about saying, How do I not like if if I'm so here I go, for some reason I pictured this image of me fishing and catching guilt.

Jana Shelfer: 7:46

Oh, yes.

Jason Shelfer: 7:47

You know, like I I just caught guilt from the way someone else responded.

Jana Shelfer: 7:51

Yes.

Jason Shelfer: 7:52

And I I don't want to catch that because sometimes I'm fishing for something else in life, but I for some reason I keep catching this guilt.

Jana Shelfer: 8:01

Yes. Like I'm which is a Jana problem. I just want to say this. This is a Jana Shelfer problem.

Jason Shelfer: 8:07

I'm fishing for fun, I'm fishing for excitement, I'm fishing for this experience of being in the now, but for some reason, guilt keeps nibbling on my line.

Jana Shelfer: 8:15

Jason, that's a really good analogy. Usually I I poo-poo your analogy sometimes. But I I see where you're coming from, and and that just gave me a little aha light bulb that you know what? I'm in charge of me and the way I feel, and I'm gonna shield myself from and maybe we just take that line out of the water and say, you know what?

Jason Shelfer: 8:40

I said no, and I'm so this line is coming out of the water. I'm gonna put that bait back in the tackle box, and I'm going to go. We're moving on.

Jana Shelfer: 8:49

We're moving to a different fishing space.

Jason Shelfer: 8:51

Next, please.

Jana Shelfer: 8:52

Yes.

Jason Shelfer: 8:53

Like just let it go. Like let it go. I'm gonna Elsa this moment.

Jana Shelfer: 8:59

Oh my goodness. Okay, so I know that this is resonating with someone out there that is listening. It's probably resonating with you.

Jason Shelfer: 9:08

A lot of you city folks out there with your fishing poles over your shoulders.

Jana Shelfer: 9:13

I see you. You sound like huck fans.

Jason Shelfer: 9:15

That's right.

Jana Shelfer: 9:17

No is a sentence. Thank you so much for listening.

Jason Shelfer: 9:20

Keep Living Lucky®.

Jana Shelfer: 9:21

Bye bye. If the idea of Living Lucky® appeals to you, visit us at LivingLucky.com