Boundaries, Balance, and Being Honest

Blurred Boundaries: Guard Your Zen, Stop the Resentment Loop (Living Lucky® Podcast)

Generosity without boundaries equals burnout. We hosted an adaptive camp and learned the hard way: shared space friction (clutter, routine breaks) is a primal signal we ignore our own needs. This self-help episode is your raw guide to ending resentment. Learn to swap silent expectations for shared agreements and rebuild your mindset with clarity.

Key Nuggets for Boundary Clarity (Maximized Value):

• Primal Snip: Friction is a nervous system signal, not a people problem. Manage your primal stress response.
• Boundaries are Internal: You can't set a boundary until you identify your deep-seated need (sleep, quiet time, routine). It's an "in here problem."
• Clarity is Kindness: Direct communication ends resentment. Speak up! Silent expectations ensure boundaries get crossed.
• Fix the System: Don't blame the person; fix the logistics. A chore board or schedule prevents a logistics problem from becoming a people problem.
• Own Your Prep: Stop putting others' needs first! Guard your rest and performance prep like a non-negotiable meeting with your future self.
• Good Agreements: Replace vague hope with visible, shared agreements (e.g., clear quiet hours). Move from pleasing to partnering.
• Success Cycle: The path starts with personal accountability: "How can I change me to make us better?" Focus on solutions.

Protect your prep, honor your needs, and lead yourself kindly.

• How to set boundaries without feeling guilty. Why does sharing my space stress me out? The difference between a people problem and a logistics problem. How to avoid resentment when hosting. Building shared agreements in a busy household. Primal stress signals and emotional cornering. The importance of direct communication in relationships. How to turn silent expectations into clear standards. How do I communicate my personal boundaries clearly and without guilt? What is the true cost of unexpressed needs in a relationship? How does a logistics problem lead to relationship friction? What is the best way to manage primal stress responses to shared space? How can I stop putting other people's needs before my own well-being? How do I build s

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The 4 pillars of Living Lucky
Believe in yourself
Believe in the people around you
Believe in your circumstances and
Believe that God is working through you, for you, and always conspiring in your favor.

*Previously Recorded

Chapters

• 0:00 From Doom Loops to Living Lucky
• 0:28 The Space-Sharing Spark
• 1:48 Boundaries, Balance, and the Line
• 3:28 Hosting Adaptive Ski Camp at Home
• 5:25 Pliability, Flexibility, Adaptability
• 6:55 When Routine Gets Encroached
• 8:53 Systems We Needed But Lacked
• 11:14 Tournament Prep vs. People-Pleasing
• 13:12 Reframing: It’s a Scheduling Problem

Transcript

Jana Shelfer: 0:00

Are you ready to create a life you crave? Let's spin that doom loop of negativity into an upward success cycle and start Living Lucky®.

Jason Shelfer: 0:14

Good morning.

Jana Shelfer: 0:15

I'm Jana. I'm Jason. And we are Living Lucky®. You are too. Sharing your space.

Jason Shelfer: 0:21

Bring it on in. Get close, get personal.

Jana Shelfer: 0:25

Okay, I don't know if that's really what we're talking about. I've realized some really valuable lessons about myself this past week. I don't like sharing my space.

Jason Shelfer: 0:37

I think there's a there's a comfort level in bringing people into your own personal environment, or maybe there's a discomfort level too. And it's it's recognizing, hey, where is that line?

Jana Shelfer: 0:49

Where's the balance?

Jason Shelfer: 0:50

Where is the balance? Where's the boundary? All that. And it's like learning that.

Jana Shelfer: 0:56

And I have learned this past week that I do have boundaries, and when they are crossed, there is this uh bitch that comes out.

Jason Shelfer: 1:08

It's like an animal instinct. It's a it just says, hey, back up, you're on my toes.

Jana Shelfer: 1:13

You're in my space.

Jason Shelfer: 1:14

Yes.

Jana Shelfer: 1:15

And I'm not even talking physical space, although I am.

Jason Shelfer: 1:19

Like there's a blurred line, but there's a an emotional, a psychological, a like, hey, you're encroaching on the meanness of like the the who I am and and who I who I'm trying to be in this.

Jana Shelfer: 1:34

Yes.

Jason Shelfer: 1:35

Yes. You're not allowing me to fully represent myself because you're forcing things on me. There's a lot involved in here.

Jana Shelfer: 1:42

Okay, so we're kind of talking in very abstract terms. Let me just dial in for you. We hosted ski camp in which we had six adaptive skiers at our house.

Jason Shelfer: 1:55

Very elite skiers, volunteers, all the way down to a very brand new skier.

Jana Shelfer: 2:00

We had volunteers, we had people just coming in for the day to say, hey, I just want to hang out and be a part of this mission or movement that's happening.

Jason Shelfer: 2:12

They wanted to witness it, they wanted to be a part of it, they wanted to have some type of involvement.

Jana Shelfer: 2:17

And in that, there is the way I'm very particular in the way I like things done and the way that Jason and I have been training. And when you bring in a group, there needs to be a little pliability.

Jason Shelfer: 2:35

Some pliability, also flexibility, too. That's a good word for it. Yes. And adaptability. And adaptability, too. So adaptability, you are excellent at.

Jana Shelfer: 2:44

Okay.

Jason Shelfer: 2:45

You are you are truly excellent at. I think both of us are.

Jana Shelfer: 2:48

I'm sometimes not very pliable.

Jason Shelfer: 2:50

There you go.

Jana Shelfer: 2:51

I like my time. I like my boat set up the way I like my boat. I like to be on the water at 7 a.m. in the morning, right when the sun comes up. And when someone or people uh start encroaching on that, like I have these boundaries. Right. And I'm okay to share every now and then, but when it continuously happens and I'm not speaking up for myself, that's when Jana starts getting very snarky.

Jason Shelfer: 3:31

Well, I think, and that's the way that's the way people learn, right? So it's it's people are coming into our environment.

Jana Shelfer: 3:38

Yes.

Jason Shelfer: 3:38

We kind of had guidelines and rules and things like this is how we want things set up. And sometimes things weren't followed necessarily to a T, right? Which is that's gonna happen.

Jana Shelfer: 3:50

It's of no fault to anyone, it's maybe Jana needs to be a little bit more direct and clear with her communication. And I have a hard time doing that.

Jason Shelfer: 4:01

Well, also, we learned a lot. So we learned a lot, like, okay, let's have a written schedule the night before. Let's have a chore list of hey, I who wants to be responsible, who wants to claim ownership and accountability for this? Like whether it's towels, you know, because we went through a god awful amount of towels.

Jana Shelfer: 4:21

I was getting up at 3 a.m. doing laundry.

Jason Shelfer: 4:23

Right. And that doesn't have to be you. Like if we're all gonna treat our house, it is our house, but if we're all as a collective gonna treat this house as an Airbnb, even though it's not, but that's typically how our camps go, then we can all take some type of ownership and some type of responsibility.

Jana Shelfer: 4:42

Yeah.

Jason Shelfer: 4:42

And so we learned that this can be a new thing that can go in there. So that'll create some of that um boundary and flexibility in there. And then also like the running order schedule. I know that you love you're you're up at four o'clock every morning.

Jana Shelfer: 4:57

I like being first, you like. And I almost feel like this is this is my toys. I'm gonna play first.

Jason Shelfer: 5:04

Or I'm gonna take my toys and go home. You never did that, but and also you were always the first at the dock. So that's that's one of the things.

Jana Shelfer: 5:14

Here's where I struggle, and I'm I am being completely vulnerable, and I just want to say everyone was so awesome. So this is this is a Jana issue right now. This is a Jana and Jana issue. So we I we had camp all week, and then on Friday, I had a ski tournament. And in my head, I was thinking, the week before, I will be preparing for that tournament. I will be preparing for that tournament. I was the least prepared for that tournament than I've ever been. And the re one reason is the week before I was sharing my toys and my space and my schedule, and I ended up putting other people's needs before my own.

Jason Shelfer: 6:04

Ah, so that's big. So that's a that's a very big point of awareness and recognizing, first of all, when do we schedule these camps? Because if weighing in the back of your mind is I've got something coming up that I have to prepare for, and I'm not able to prepare because these people are in the way.

Jana Shelfer: 6:28

Or this I don't I don't like coming out.

Jason Shelfer: 6:32

My responsibilities for this are in the way.

Jana Shelfer: 6:36

Yes.

Jason Shelfer: 6:36

So that it's not these people are in the way, but but what I've what I've committed to right now is in the way.

Jana Shelfer: 6:42

Yes.

Jason Shelfer: 6:42

And that's so that's a that's one thing that we might have scheduled differently.

Jana Shelfer: 6:47

Yeah.

Jason Shelfer: 6:47

And that's okay. So we've learned through that.

Jana Shelfer: 6:51

I'm so glad you articulated that because I haven't been able to say what I'm feeling. There's something inside me, and I haven't been able to put it into words.

Jason Shelfer: 7:00

And we know it's never an an out there problem. Yeah. It's an it's an in here problem, and how can we get better at figuring it out? Like what are the questions we can ask ourselves that make it better?

Jana Shelfer: 7:14

I like to always focus on solutions, and I really feel that I have a hurdle in being direct with my communication and saying up front, being clear and concise, this is the standard in which I live by.

Jason Shelfer: 7:40

Right.

Jana Shelfer: 7:41

And so this is what needs to be done. Like I have a hard time communicating that with anyone that's around me. Right. I and in fact, instead of going through that hurdle of communicating, I sometimes cut people off, cut people out without saying what it is that the the boundary, like they don't even know they've crossed my boundary.

Jason Shelfer: 8:06

Right. Well, I just cut them off. And sometimes what happens, well, I think we learn that behavior because a lot of times we will lose friends when we say, Well, I'm I'm sorry, we can't go to dinner with you because we go to bed at 7 30. Yeah. And you want to go to you want us to leave the house at 7 30 to meet you at eight.

Jana Shelfer: 8:25

Yeah.

Jason Shelfer: 8:25

And that's a, it's like, okay, our boundary is that we get up at 4 a.m. And go leaving the house at 7.30 puts us way beyond our comfort level for the amount of sleep we require to function optimally in our day the next day. So there's a so expressing our boundaries sometimes creates this idea that someone might, we might not be accommodating someone else's schedule.

Jana Shelfer: 8:58

Yeah, but here's the thing is I didn't even know my boundaries, which is one reason why I wasn't able to express them. Does that make sense? So I have learned so much about myself this week, and there has been, I I haven't really liked myself a hundred percent this week. There's been days where I'm like, what is going on inside me? What am I feeling? Something is really bothering me, and I don't know how or even what it is to say it out loud. Wow, is that huge?

Jason Shelfer: 9:32

I think it is huge, and it just gives us something to be curious about because I see you from the outside and I'm like, amazing. She's performing, like she's hosting, and I thought you did an excellent job. And I would say everyone here thought you did an excellent job. There were a couple people that kind of got snipped at.

Jana Shelfer: 9:53

I'm sorry. Well, it happens when he says they got snipped at, it was me. It was me. And it's like a lot of times I snip at you when I'm not upset with you at all. I'm upset with the situation. And anyone listening to this probably can relate to that. That sometimes when we are not in control of the situation, we tend to take it out on the people we love most.

Jason Shelfer: 10:17

Yes. And and I think that's so, and that and that's more of that happens all the time. So it's it's more of an how am I feeling out of control? Because I do the same thing.

Jana Shelfer: 10:27

Yes.

Jason Shelfer: 10:27

Like when I'm feeling a certain way, when I'm feeling out of control of my emotions, when I'm feeling um that people like the world is pushing on me.

Jana Shelfer: 10:36

Not only in my emotions, I feel out of control in my space. Yes. The the place where I feel the most secure and comfortable. And I have built this space to uplift my soul.

Jason Shelfer: 10:49

And to facilitate an exceptional lifestyle, and an extraordinary life. Yes.

Jana Shelfer: 10:54

And it's it almost felt primal when it did.

Jason Shelfer: 10:59

I get it.

Jana Shelfer: 11:00

There was something inside me that almost felt primal.

Jason Shelfer: 11:02

I get it. When I would there's an animalistic need to fight, like it almost feels like you get cornered. Yes. And it's and it's an emotional cornering.

Jana Shelfer: 11:12

Yes.

Jason Shelfer: 11:12

Yes, I get this. And that's a and so think about this because I feel it too. It's an this is what I feel when I'm driving, right? Yeah. So I feel I'm a great driver. I I I've taken defensive driving courses, all these things. So I know that I'm a great driver. And as soon as someone cuts in front of me, as soon as someone slams on their brakes for no reason, or people aren't kind of obeying those traffic laws, I get an emotional primal instinct to start getting a little bit crazy.

Jana Shelfer: 11:48

Yeah.

Jason Shelfer: 11:48

So this is your environment here that you've built a process of living an extraordinary lifestyle. Yes. And in high achievement. Yes. And now other people have come in.

Jana Shelfer: 12:00

And even my places of outlet, which would be my art room, my sewing room, my music room, and my ski lake. I know it's not my ski lake, but it's the territory that I get those emotional releases and all of those areas were occupied. And there's something about sharing and and bringing in people, but if those people aren't if it's not dance partners in that floor and yeah, there has to be a give uh a flow there.

Jason Shelfer: 12:35

I need to get to my comfort, my my quiet zone, or my zen zone, or my my outlet. Like I need to plug in right now.

Jana Shelfer: 12:44

And again, our all of our guests were absolutely fabulous. This is a Jana recognition. And yeah, I learned a lot about myself.

Jason Shelfer: 12:54

It's always an inside thing. That's uh that's why I love that quote let me change something within me to make us better. Whether, and that's a team thing, that's a relationship thing. So whether you're in a teamwork mentality or just a one-on-one with your partner, it's how can I change me to make us better?

Jana Shelfer: 13:12

And I also want to just add, I think it comes down to communication.

Jason Shelfer: 13:16

So big.

Jana Shelfer: 13:17

And knowing what my boundaries even are.

Jason Shelfer: 13:22

That's something that's really cool to get curious about.

Jana Shelfer: 13:27

Thanks for tuning in to Jana's Therapy.

Jason Shelfer: 13:30

It's not Jana's Therapy, this is called Living Lucky.

Jana Shelfer: 13:33

I hope this helps someone out there. Please email us if it does. Have a great day. Keep Living Lucky®. Bye-bye. If the idea of Living Lucky® appeals to you, visit us at S LivingLucky.com.