Living Lucky® Podcast with Jason and Jana Banana

When The Wires Cross In Relationships

• Jana and Jason Shelfer • Season 7 • Episode 34

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Ever feel like you're speaking different languages in your relationships? You crave love and connection, but end up in misunderstandings and hurt feelings? This week on Living Lucky®, Jason & Jana Banana crack the code on creating harmony in your connections. ✨

Here's what you'll get to unlock:

  • The Secret Sauce of Connection: Discover why a warm bowl of mom's soup and a nutrient-packed salad can BOTH say "I love you!" (Hint: It's all about the feeling behind the action!)
  • Communication: Your Relationship Superpower: Learn how clear communication can turn misunderstandings into opportunities for deeper understanding and connection. Say goodbye to guilt trips and hello to a relationship dream team!
  • From Conflict to Collaboration: Feeling frustrated because your partner's organization style clashes with yours?Discover how to shift your perspective from "winning" an argument to working together to achieve a shared goal.It's all about appreciating each other's efforts, not pointing fingers.
  • Actionable Tips for Relationship Success: Get ready to transform your relationships with Jason & Jana's personal anecdotes and "aha" moments. These actionable insights will leave you feeling empowered to navigate your emotional landscape and build stronger, more fulfilling connections.

Plus, you'll discover:

  • How to identify the feelings you truly desire in your relationships.
  • Why emotional needs can become entangled with specific actions (and how to avoid misunderstandings!)
  • How effective communication can help you achieve shared goals in ANY relationship.
  • How to use the power of "we" to turn conflicts into opportunities for growth.

Key Takeaways:

  • Emotional Needs: Different actions, same feelings—recognize and align.
  • Clear Communication: Articulate needs to avoid misunderstandings.
  • Real-Life Scenarios: Family and hobbies improve mutual understanding.
  • Collaborative Mindset: Teamwork strategies for shared goals.
  • Actionable Insights: Personal stories, practical relationship tips.

Ready to ditch the relationship drama? Hit play and let's get Living Lucky® together!

Keywords: Communication, Relationships, Love, Connection, Emotional Needs, Collaboration, Understanding, Conflict Resolution, Growth Mindset, Living Lucky®, Harmony, Well-being

For mind-blowing inspirational content, join us on Living Lucky TV and on Living Lucky TV Live where you become part of the show at EtherealTV.net

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Email Jason Shelfer HERE

The 4 pillars of Living Lucky
Believe in yourself
Believe in the people around you
Believe in your circumstances and
Believe that God is working through you, for you, and always conspiring in your favor.

*Previously Recorded

Jana Shelfer:

Are you ready to create a life you crave? Let's spin that doom loop of negativity into an upward success cycle and start Living Lucky®.

Jason Shelfer:

Good morning.

Jana Shelfer:

I'm Jana Shelfer, and this is my husband, Jason Shelfer, and we are Living Lucky®. You are too. We're talking about seeking the feeling. Maybe it's just becoming aware of what is the feeling we're after, because, as I have revealed, the secret to life is how you feel. Yes, how you feel, and many times, when we're working with people or we're in a relationship maybe with a spouse, maybe with a family member, maybe a coworker, a neighbor or any group dynamic many times we want the same feeling. We're just going about creating it very differently.

Jason Shelfer:

Yes, different actions to get there.

Jana Shelfer:

So let me unpeel this a little bit. What I'm really talking about is let's take food as an example.

Jason Shelfer:

Oh, that's a good one.

Jana Shelfer:

In my family. We all want to feel love. We all want to feel love.

Jason Shelfer:

Love and comfort.

Jana Shelfer:

Love and comfort and we just want to show up as our best. Now, for some reason, to some people in my family, food is a way to show love and comfort.

Jason Shelfer:

Food, but which food? And that's the thing. Yes, so what does love and comfort mean for you? And that's where you have to dial in. What is so? What does love and comfort mean for you? And that's where we, you have to dial in. What is that feeling and what is it? How do, how do we get there for you?

Jana Shelfer:

Clear your throat, thank you. So, like I said, for some people in my family food is the feeling of monkey bread, the feeling of all of the Sweets, the sweets and staples that we grew up with, and in making those cookies and giving those to the family, that is love. That is love to other people in my family, taking care of our bodies and becoming the best version of ourself and energy and like no, like feeling the nutrients going in, feeling good that is the way we can show up with more love yeah, that's kind of like the farm life right.

Jason Shelfer:

It's like like I know this came from the earth, this is vegetables, this, these are the. Like food is medicine, like that's a love, like I love my body, I love life. This is the food that makes me feel loved and appreciated and comfortable.

Jana Shelfer:

So it's not only loving yourself, but you feel like you can show up for others better if you feel better.

Jason Shelfer:

Yeah. So it's a. It's just it's getting to the same feeling. It's two very different routes.

Jana Shelfer:

Strategies Two very different strategies, very different routes. Strategies Two very different strategies, and so I guess the reason I bring this up is sometimes there is a conflict in how we get there.

Jason Shelfer:

And along the way, people get their panties in a twist. Yeah, because if we're not talking about what that feeling is like I want to feel this and this is what it means for me, this is what it looks like for me Then we and we don't paint that clear vision for everyone.

Jana Shelfer:

It's communication.

Jason Shelfer:

Yes, then, like you might say, I want, I want to have dinner and I want to feel, I want to feel the love in this dinner, and then, if I tell you that, and maybe love is spending time with the person.

Jana Shelfer:

Well, the other person, their love language is if you eat my cookies, that is me showing you love. I went to all this work to make you cookies and if you don't eat my cookies, then I feel like I haven't loved you well and you're not loving me back, you're rejecting my love.

Jason Shelfer:

Yeah.

Jana Shelfer:

You're rejecting my love.

Jason Shelfer:

Yeah, but if I had, if I'd had a clear conversation with you of hey, food for me and love for me in a dinner situation would be having a beautiful green salad, that maybe we went to the farmer's market and got organic vegetables and having some organic protein and having the right portions, because I know that when I don't overeat and when I don't have a lot of sweets, that my energy levels pick up and we can have a good conversation and we can think about where this food was grown Like. That that feels very loving and also feels like it's very life-giving. So then now we both know this is the feeling that I would like to have.

Jana Shelfer:

So does it come down to love languages, or does it come down to? What are we really talking about here? Is it the actions that we take in order to get to the feeling.

Jason Shelfer:

So I think you can. You can say it's a combination of love, language and the feeling, but it's the feeling, it's so. It's knowing the feeling, because a lot of so. For me, food brutally honest food was love, emotion. There was a lot of putting all those feelings on food, yes, and I didn't unpack. What is it about the food that makes me feel that way? So I was saying, okay, well, I want to feel this, so let's go get a 12 pack of crispy cream donuts.

Jason Shelfer:

You're so right food becomes our feelings sometimes and so I would say, okay, well, I will go eat that in the first, like that first bite. I would be like this this sparks back that feeling. Yes, and then I would like this is so sad and sick, but I would crawl into the backseat of my car and I would eat the whole dozen.

Jana Shelfer:

Oh, I know, I did that too. I had some moments where I ate McDonald's McDonald's in my car and I would eat it and then I would actually find a place to stop and throw it away so that when I would go back to either.

Jason Shelfer:

So guilt shame. So we start with the feeling, we want the feeling, we reach for what we identify as what gives us the feeling, and then, subconsciously, we know that that's not the truth.

Jana Shelfer:

Okay, so let's think about another example, because food is always something that we all do, right. We all eat to nourish our bodies.

Jason Shelfer:

Let's talk about money because, I think money is the same thing. Money is another thing. Money is one of those things where we want, like I think the feeling we want is-.

Jana Shelfer:

Prosperity, prosperity, abundance.

Jason Shelfer:

Success Wealth.

Jana Shelfer:

Freedom.

Jason Shelfer:

Yes Options. So how do we get that? So one person in a relationship says I'm going to create this feeling by saving. I want to create the feeling of wealth by watching watching, watching my um resources grow. One person wants to feel it by buying things. Yes, so by spending what's been accumulated. So they will go do things in order to purchase and to accumulate. Yes, and they're watching things grow. The other person's watching the resources grow.

Jana Shelfer:

And so maybe it comes down to the measuring how we're measuring the feeling Right. That yes, Because, like you just said, one is watching things grow and they're like look at me, I feel so prosperous, so abundant because I've got things. And the other person is thinking well, my bank account, you know, I mean, if they're married to the person who's spending all these things, their bank account then is dwindling and they're thinking I don't feel prosperous right now.

Jason Shelfer:

And I think that's where a lot of the conflict comes in our relationships is. Sometimes there's not that clear understanding of. This is how I'm getting into the relationship, like I'm trying to bring things into our house so we feel prosperous. Yeah, so we feel wealthy.

Jana Shelfer:

Every time we try a new hobby or a new activity, Jason Shelfer buys things, things, things. Here's the thing I value organization and I value using everything that we have. So when we buy all these things and they don't have a place and they don't have a home, it makes me feel like not doing the activity. It's the gift of the magi?

Jason Shelfer:

Yes, it's exactly the gift of the magi, and when we don't talk about it, when we don't discuss it. So when we have an activity, let's just take scuba, because that was one of the big ones and it's an expensive hobby.

Jana Shelfer:

Yeah.

Jason Shelfer:

Right. So in my mind, organization is having all the equipment. Yes, so we don't have to worry when we get there, do I have to use a regulator that I'm not familiar with? Do I get to use a tank that I'm not familiar with? Am I using a BC that I'm not familiar with? So organization for me was having my own equipment, having your own equipment that both of us are familiar with and know.

Jason Shelfer:

But organization for you is not having clutter all over the place yeah, I know, because I'm like we can never find what we're looking for because we've got so much crap, like if you had a room in your house for every single hobby, and like, when it comes down to it, which is what we've literally started doing.

Jason Shelfer:

Yeah Is we've literally started, Well, it's starting to. What we've started to do is identify okay, well, what are these things mean for you? And we've started having these conversations so that we can get out of the complexity of it all and get into, okay, how do we want to feel? And then, what are the ways that we can just work towards that feeling without having the conflict between the being of it and between the two of us.

Jana Shelfer:

This goes back to the podcast we had on politics. It goes back to many of the relationship podcasts that we have talked about. It goes back to the communication podcast. When we go about creating these feelings in different ways, many times we end up on opposite sides of the tennis court Of the net. Yes, Opp're both on the same team.

Jason Shelfer:

We're playing doubles against with the other thing.

Jana Shelfer:

Yes.

Jason Shelfer:

Or with the situation or with the idea.

Jana Shelfer:

Back on the same side of the net and we need to have these crucial conversations so that we are on the same page.

Jason Shelfer:

Yes.

Jana Shelfer:

And so that we're not growing.

Jason Shelfer:

I love it.

Jana Shelfer:

Because sometimes, without realizing, without being conscious, we are growing, and maybe just one degree apart. Well, if a ship is going one degree in a different direction than the other ship, they're going to end up at very two different destinations.

Jason Shelfer:

Yeah, and both ships are going a degree apart. That's two degrees a piece, right? Yes, so that's a, and it's beautiful because when we are just having the communication and we recognize we're on the same side of the net, we are on the same team, then we let go of all the blame.

Jana Shelfer:

We let go of all the shame. Oh my gosh. Yes.

Jason Shelfer:

And we just were like, okay, I see how you're thinking about it and I accept it. You're thinking about it and I accept it. And thank you for putting the thought, because oftentimes we jump into these conversations, these crucial conversations, with this lens of you weren't even thinking we put up a guard, yeah.

Jana Shelfer:

And the minute you attach blame, shame or any kind of existential.

Jason Shelfer:

Like they're fighting against me. They're fighting against what I'm trying to do.

Jana Shelfer:

The minute you put the responsibility on something outwardly, then a guard comes up, a defense mechanism. We automatically go into these. Well, and it's all about being right.

Jason Shelfer:

Yeah, I did this, I did this, you did that, you were going against me. And if we look at it and say, okay, how are we both doing the best that we could, how are we both trying to succeed here?

Jana Shelfer:

And how are we both trying doing our best to create? The same outcome, and it comes down to the feeling, the same feeling.

Jason Shelfer:

Yes, and then now we get to start saying, okay, I see how you were putting all of your effort into this and trying to get us to this feeling. And I see how you were putting all of your effort into this and getting us to this feeling. I see where we weren't clear in that communication. Oh my gosh, and it just gets to open up this level of collaboration that is beneficial instead of detrimental.

Jana Shelfer:

Oh my gosh, I don't know about you. I've just had some aha moments. Share this with every single person you can, because sometimes we're in a conflict with our spouse, our family member. We just don't understand where they're coming from.

Jason Shelfer:

It's a collaboration and it's about the awareness of how am I looking at this and am I recognizing that we are on the same team? Or am I really creating a tug of war between two people and saying I want to be right, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, keep Living Lucky®.

Jana Shelfer:

Bye-bye. Thanks for joining us. If the idea of Living Lucky® appeals to you, visit us at www. livinglucky. com.