Feeling Frustrated? Fight FOR Your Love, Not Against It: Relationship Breakthrough in "Blowing Off Steam"
Ever feel like a disagreement spirals into a warzone? You're not alone. In this episode of Living Lucky® Podcast with Jason & Jana, we get real about a heated argument that became a powerful turning point in our relationship.
Here's what you'll discover:
The Secret Weapon of Healthy Conflict: We reveal how giving space to each other's emotions and respecting different perspectives can actually strengthen your bond.
From Disagreement to Breakthrough: Learn how to shift from "winning" the argument to fighting for the relationship. It's all about finding common ground and remembering the love that unites you.
The Wall Metaphor You Need to Hear: Imagine disagreements as bricks building a wall between you. We'll show you how to tear down those walls and foster open communication.
The Power of "Let it Go": Holding onto negativity is a recipe for disaster. We'll share tips for healthily releasing emotional baggage before it weighs you down.
Living Lucky® in Action: Discover how facing challenges head-on can enrich your connection and lead to personal growth.
This episode is your guide to transforming conflict into deeper understanding, stronger bonds, and a more fulfilling relationship.
Here's a sneak peek of our golden nuggets:
Ditch the "who's right" mentality and approach disagreements with curiosity and love.
Create a safe space for emotional release. Sometimes you just gotta purge to move forward.
Listen without judgment and validate your partner's feelings. They matter!
Don't let negativity fester. Find healthy ways to release emotional baggagebefore it becomes a burden.
Communication is key! Talking things through, even if it's messy, is way better than bottling things up.
Ready to ditch the relationship drama and build a connection filled with love, laughter, and growth?
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!!! SEND US A MESSAGE: Are you ready to unlock your path to a more inspired life where you're Living Lucky®? Email me directly and let's chart your course toward realizing your dreams and creating a life that fills you with daily inspiration. Email Jason Shelfer HERE
The 4 pillars of Living Lucky Believe in yourself Believe in the people around you Believe in your circumstances and Believe that God is working through you, for you, and always conspiring in your favor.
*Previously Recorded
Jana Shelfer:
Are you ready to create a life you crave? Let's spin that doom loop of negativity into an upward success cycle and start Living Lucky®. Good morning. I'm Jana and this is my husband, Jason, and we are Living Lucky®. You are too, because you're here with us, that's right.
Jana Shelfer:
We had an argument, a big ol' fat.
Jason Shelfer:
Agree to disagree.
Jana Shelfer:
Healthy. I will say it was a healthy argument and we want to talk about it because I think we had some aha moments after it was over as we were reflecting on it, and I think this could help anyone that is tuning in today.
Jason Shelfer:
And I feel like the resolution of the argument. I'm still having aha moments. I feel like they keep coming, because there's now space for the insight, for newness. Yes For new perspectives and growth.
Jana Shelfer:
Okay, yes, so there's so much here, but first we have to just be real. Jason and I, jason and I, I got like tongue tied saying that, jason and I, as much as we love hanging out together and you are my best friend, and blah, blah blah. I can go on and on forever, on.
Jason Shelfer:
I wish I could say the same, but you're so much more.
Jana Shelfer:
I almost punched him. I almost punched him for everyone listening. On Friday, Jason and I went head to head on a couple things. Head to head, toe to toe and what started out as a disagreement.
Jason Shelfer:
It started out as a discussion, and then it started, and then we planned I planted my feet, you planted your feet, and then it turned into a disagreement.
Jana Shelfer:
It went into I was remembering things differently than he was remembering things and we literally got to the point where we were pointing our fingers and letting it out and there were a couple times where we both, you know, just dropped our head and we were like you know what, I'm not, I'm not even gonna go there. I'm not gonna go there. We were trying to be adults for the longest time and then at one point I just said let's get it out.
Jason Shelfer:
Yeah, and that dropping the head was. I'm planted where I am. I don't need to understand where you are, because this is where I am. You've got to come here.
Jana Shelfer:
And it also I think, was.
Jason Shelfer:
We have such opposite viewpoints. Neither one of us could go to where the other person was because our perspective was so different.
Jana Shelfer:
And I also think, in that moment, the dropping of the heads was also a form of communicating. You know what? I can't win this argument, yeah, so I'm just gonna give up, I'm gonna swim out to fuck it. I, that was that was it.
Jason Shelfer:
My exact thought is there's no when here.
Jana Shelfer:
I've been down this road before.
Jason Shelfer:
I concede, I give up, I quit, and that was not that A. That's not a healthy spot.
Jana Shelfer:
So what I want to convey right now to anyone listening is we allowed ourselves the space and the respect to get out our feelings, yes, and to let it out, extract every thought, every feeling, every disappointment, anything that was coming up. We allowed the other person to really get it out.
Jason Shelfer:
And the thing was is there was a pause. I remember distinctly this pause of hey, we're in this together, let's take it to the finish line and let's get to the bottom of this. So it was a pause to breathe, relax, realize, to come back together again and say, yes, we are on the same team. We do have the same outcome that we want, which is resolution, and love and kindness.
Jason Shelfer:
And now let's just go through the plays how we saw the plays being run and how we were affected by the plays, without judgment, without anything else and without taking offense to how the other person perceived it.
Jana Shelfer:
Because there's validity there. We each are seeing the world in a different way. I wouldn't want it any other way. I want you to be you and I want to understand. We started coming at it with curiosity.
Jason Shelfer:
And more love, because, I will tell you, when it first turned from discussion to disagreement, I kicked love in the butt and kicked it right out the door.
Jana Shelfer:
There was a little venom there.
Jason Shelfer:
I never don't love you, but in the moment I let go of the lens of love.
Jana Shelfer:
I will say though okay, so what we're trying to say is we allowed ourselves to get it off our shoulders, get it out, let it go. You know that song let it go, let it go. We allowed ourselves to really just unleash. So we weren't trying to be a facade, we weren't trying to please the other person. We often have that problem where we try to show up and say what we think the other person wants us to say and we absolutely were not trying to hurt the other person.
Jana Shelfer:
And that's where that's one point I want to make is I understood? You know, I know you said a minute ago that you let go of love, but I think that the intention, the underlying intention, was always love.
Jason Shelfer:
Yeah. I felt, though, that I was not speaking lovingly, because I also felt that, through the lens of hurt, I wasn't being spoken to lovingly. And that's not the case, because both of us know we are on the same team and we both know what we're creating and what we have created, and so it's like there's no reason to get out of that. But sometimes, in the moment when you're reacting instead of responding, you start pushing to your agenda, and it's not the agenda, it's the agenda of I'm hurt, this is what hurt me, and that's it.
Jana Shelfer:
Okay, I want to make this valuable for other people instead of just us working through our own argument here. What I want to say, though, is that we allowed ourselves to get the energy out.
Jason Shelfer:
Yes.
Jana Shelfer:
And then we realized in the middle of the argument we're on the same team and we actually transmuted that energy in the middle and we started fighting for the relationship.
Jason Shelfer:
Yeah, so there was a when you think about blowing off steam. Steam is energy and that's emotional energy inside your body. And if you can use that energy to combat each other or you can use it to collaborate with each other, and that's, I feel like there was a definite shift where we started collaborating and we transmuted that energy to hey, let's remember that we're going to the same end zone.
Jana Shelfer:
Let's get through this and get it all out. And here's the thing when one person starts to come to the middle or starts to say you know what? We're fighting on the same team. I'm not sure why our magnets have flipped and we're resisting each other. We're resisting the other person's truth because, ultimately, we are on the same team, fighting for the same goal.
Jason Shelfer:
Yes.
Jana Shelfer:
And all of a sudden, that energy started fighting for what I'm not leaving. We're going to get this out because we are meant to be extraordinary.
Jason Shelfer:
We got into this relationship as an extraordinary individual, so we're an extraordinary couple and we're building an extraordinary life.
Jana Shelfer:
And all of a sudden, this tone that we were using it literally. It was like we were saying affirmations out in the universe and we were saying it with such passion From a disempowering conversation to an empowering conversation, which also allowed us to continue to get it all out.
Jason Shelfer:
I think one of the tools if we're going to throw the tools out on the playground or the toys out on the playground to play around with this is, if you have these thoughts inside and you don't have a healthy communication system, get them out on paper, get them out of your head, whether you're speaking them out in a closet like a prayer room, or if you're just writing them out on paper, and that allows you to actually organize them and then start dissecting. Are these true? Are they always true? Is this a story that I'm telling myself? And we talked it all out.
Jana Shelfer:
I think the main point is to get it out, and once we got it out we had a visceral breakthrough. Literally, we hit this breakthrough. Now I know we're already 10 minutes and 44 seconds in, so I want to make one more point before I move on is after we had this breakthrough, and actually by the end of the argument, we were laughing and we were hugging, kissing, crying, and we were feeling almost invincible. We were feeling unstoppable.
Jason Shelfer:
Let's go conquer the world.
Jana Shelfer:
Yes, and it felt like a release of some.
Jason Shelfer:
You know, like when you're having sex and you have that that ejaculation.
Jana Shelfer:
It was almost a release of some sort. It's when you pop the zit and you really get in there and it hits the mirror.
Jana Shelfer:
You know what I'm saying.
Jana Shelfer:
It's the release. And then what I want to tell everybody is there was an exhaustion period that overcame both of us. It was like we needed Just like sex. We needed to get those feelings out of our bodies. And then, I mean, jason went to bed and I literally went in and I was like are you okay? Do I need to call the doctor?
Jason Shelfer:
Yeah, I'm just exhausted.
Jana Shelfer:
I mean like I am just done.
Jason Shelfer:
And the thing about that is, I think, is we got it all out and that, and when we talk about building up steam or blowing off steam, that energy we transmuted it, we used it, we got the insight and, even though I wanted to go conquer the world, there's that latency period where you just expended all your energy.
Jason Shelfer:
So I'm not holding on to anything from it, like there's no residual effect of anything in the argument. It's all positive and going forward from here. And so all my energy had just been released and it was okay, it was healthy, it gave me the insight and then I just needed to go rest in it.
Jana Shelfer:
Okay. So what I want to wrap this up with tie it in a little button is that how many times do you hold on to those emotions? And sometimes for years, sometimes for decades, we are letting those little things build up inside us and we don't say anything because nobody I mean Jason hates conflict. He hates conflict, and that's one reason why we rarely have an argument. To this extent, however, I would say it was probably one of the best things that could have happened.
Jason Shelfer:
It was a super healthy exchange because we had the tools and because we have a very robust and comprehensive way of communicating with each other.
Jana Shelfer:
And I let go of a lot of that.
Jason Shelfer:
At the beginning I will say that was me.
Jana Shelfer:
I also feel like we created space within our souls To now start dreaming, scheming and look at new possibilities creating together co-creating.
Jason Shelfer:
That's what we talk about all the time is what do you, what do we want? And what we wanted in the moment was to both be heard, both be seen, both be validated, and we were each holding back a little bit there.
Jana Shelfer:
So I guess what I really want to get across is that sometimes a purge is good, whether it's a. You know you're throwing out your old clothes in your closet.
Jason Shelfer:
And both people are ready for it.
Jana Shelfer:
Yes, I will say that we have the tools to turn it around in the middle. So it didn't. It didn't turn into even you know, weeks or months of fighting. It actually was done in in probably a 10 minute.
Jason Shelfer:
Yeah, 10 minutes yeah.
Jana Shelfer:
However, it was a 10 minutes of intense, really going deep and really letting it out, and I can't express enough how great that ended up being, because I feel like we both catapulted to new heights.
Jason Shelfer:
Yeah, one of the metaphors I often give when people hold on to things is the building of the wall with the bricks. And purging on someone when they're not ready to purge is kind of like dumping that wall on them. When we came together and we both recognize, hey, this is where we're resisting each other, this is where we're we're missing the, the connection. We both came and we allowed that space to gather our thoughts and just get it out. And I don't want to say we built a wall because we, we built connection is what we did. But if you imagine it like a bill wall, we put them together so that we could elevate ourselves and in that, and we basically worked on chipping that down to where we could just have a very open and honest discussion. This is my perspective, this is your perspective. Where are we on this and how do we? How do we get to that finish line together in the most powerful way and score the most points?
Jana Shelfer:
I love it, let it go. Let it go. Sometimes we just need to tell it like it is and get it out get it out, don't carry it around, especially once it goes past a week. Then it becomes a funk.
Jana Shelfer:
Right, yeah.
Jana Shelfer:
I mean, something happens in it and you get it get in a mood, and then after a week or two then you're in a funk and then next thing you know we're holding on to things for years just in a slump of life and it becomes part of our personality. So I think letting it go in a healthy manner Is it's really beneficial for all parties and keep living lucky alright, thanks for joining us.
Jana Shelfer:
bye, bye. If the idea of living lucky appeals to you, visit us at www. livinglucky. com.