Relationship Blueprint

Unveiling the Mystery of Relationships on Living Lucky® Podcast with Jason & Jana Banana

Ready to unlock the secret to thriving relationships? Join Jana and Jason on the Living Lucky® Podcast as they delve into the captivating world of connection, offering powerful insights and practical strategies to transform your partnerships from battlegrounds to havens.

Discover:

• The three essential parts of a relationship: You, your partner, and the shared union, each requiring attention and growth.
• The power of self-improvement: How focusing on your own well-being strengthens your ability to contribute positively to the relationship.
• The magic of nonviolent communication: Learn to express your needs effectively and navigate differences with empathy and understanding.
• Bridging the gap between perspectives: Explore how diverse experiences shape our viewpoints and discover tools to overcome misunderstandings.
• The profound impact of relationships: Uncover how every connection, from romantic partnerships to your relationship with food, shapes your life.
• Becoming a relationship mentor: Join Jana and Jason as they share their journey and inspire you to nurture healthy connections in all aspects of your life.

This episode is your roadmap to building stronger, more fulfilling relationships. You'll gain actionable takeaways on:

• Ditching the blame game: Embrace self-reflection and take responsibility for your contribution to the dynamic.
• Cultivating empathy: Step into your partner's shoes and see the world through their eyes.
• Setting a shared vision: Work together to create a future you both desire and move forward as a united team.
• Communicating effectively: Learn to express your needs and listen with an open mind.

Whether you're seeking to strengthen your romantic bond, improve communication with family, or navigate challenging work relationships, this episode is packed with valuable insights and inspiration.

Tune in, unlock the secrets to relationship harmony, and start living lucky!

 relationships, communication, empathy, self-improvement, growth, partnerships, connection, love, understanding, conflict resolution, non-violent communication,

Transcript

Navigating Relationship Dynamics With Perception

Jana Shelfer 0:00

Are you ready to create a life you crave? Let's spin that doom loop of negativity into an upward success cycle and start living lucky. Good morning. I'm Jana and this is my husband, Jason, and we are living lucky.

Jana Shelfer 0:20

I know you are too. We have been talking about relationships lately and it feels like there's three parts to a relationship that people don't tell us. They you know like, as Jason has been working with these different couples, it feels to me like everyone always thinks yeah, we're here because of our relationship, yet when we start working with them, there's actually not only the relationship, but there are two individuals.

Jason Shelfer 0:50

Yeah, it's really funny because sometimes people want to say I want to help work on the other person, or I want to work on myself, or I want to work on the relationship, and there are three actual different parts. It's the people, each person in the relationship, and the relationship. So it's figuring out.

Jana Shelfer 1:08

It's helping yourself first.

Jason Shelfer 1:09

Amen.

Jana Shelfer 1:11

And so many times it's so much easier to blame our partner than it is to look inside and see ourselves.

Jason Shelfer 1:19

Yeah, they do this and they do that, or they don't do this and they don't do that, and it's not focusing on how can I get better, how can I be a better participant in this relationship. I feel like we found that in our own relationship is. I know I'd suffered from the blanking- no, no.

Jana Shelfer 1:37

Here's the biggest thing in relationships Someone wants to be right. Oh, that's big, and we all hate to be told that we are wrong.

Jason Shelfer 1:48

Yeah, or even just feel like we're wrong.

Jana Shelfer 1:51

So every argument, every conflict, every time there's any sort of situation. It usually comes down to you know what, I'm right and then I start digging my heels in. I am right on this, I am right on this I am right.

Jason Shelfer 2:10

On this I'm right.

Jana Shelfer 2:12

And if I'm right, then that means I must be wrong. But that's a misconception, that's a limiting belief.

Jason Shelfer 2:19

Yeah.

Jana Shelfer 2:19

Because there are multiple rights to every answer.

Jason Shelfer 2:24

Yeah, there's more than one truth and it's all based on perspective and point of view.

Jana Shelfer 2:30

Let's go there, let's talk about that. We all see life through a lens and you know, an example that I heard is the sky is blue. Okay, so a lot of people think the sky is blue. Well, I, right now, I went outside to walk my dog. The sky is pretty much midnight black.

Jason Shelfer 2:53

Yeah, or the sky might be cloudy.

Jana Shelfer 2:56

Or it might be orange, or I've been outside on our lake where there are some colors in the sky that I think I've never even seen that color before.

Jason Shelfer 3:05

It's incredible. So, yeah, we do have a different view and different perspective, and where we're looking at it, from what time we're looking at it, what's happening in our lives.

Jana Shelfer 3:15

And that's the way it is in life is. Sometimes we have a situation and we think this is the way, and then we don't stop and say oh, wait a minute, someone else might be seeing it in a different way or they might be experiencing something different, or they might not have any meaning at all toward this Right that we are putting on it. It's all about the meaning we put on situations, and it's also about getting outside your body and seeing the other person's perspective.

Jason Shelfer 3:49

Oh my gosh, that is so huge, right, so huge. And when you can realize that there are multiple truths, then no one has to be wrong, everyone can be right. And then you, yes, and, and meet up.

Jana Shelfer 4:03

Yes, and you know, that was one of the biggest lessons I think you and I learned. We took improv classes early into our marriage actually. Actually, it was probably like four or five years in and that's probably like a year or so.

Jana Shelfer 4:16

We took a year of improv classes and improv is where you get on stage and they give you some topic and you just try to be funny, you try to make a skit up about it, and one the first rule of improv is you never poo poo the other person's idea yeah, don't stop stick. While you're on stage in front of an audience, when someone brings something up, whether you in your mind, you might think oh my god, this is the dumbest route for this skit. Why are we blowing bubbles in a spaceship?

Jason Shelfer 4:58

Right, you know, like this doesn't make sense.

Jana Shelfer 5:00

I don't know how we got here. However, if the person brings it up and says, yeah, you go with it with enthusiasm.

Jason Shelfer 5:09

Yes.

Jana Shelfer 5:09

You're like awesome, let's do that.

Jason Shelfer 5:12

And the big difference, I think, between straight improv is in straight improv you don't really know. Like improv comedy, you don't know where the story is going. In a relationship, you get together, you decide, okay, we are extraordinary people, we want an extraordinary relationship and we want an extraordinary experience of life. Then you start defining what that is in life and based on whoever's perspective it is and wherever they're coming from, yes, and because both parties are right if they both are agreeing on where they want to go.

Jana Shelfer 5:46

Another problem that arises in exactly what you were saying, jason, is that we each have expectations Wow, so big and sometimes those expectations as Jason has often said in many podcasts is that the biggest time that we don't meet our expectation, or expectations turn into disappointment, is when we don't articulate them fully.

Jason Shelfer 6:14

Yes, and if we don't understand how to express our expectations and how to do that, there's a form of communication called nonviolent communication and what that is is that's identifying the need and being able to articulate that need in a meaningful way so that your expectations can be met. Or there can be an agreement or disagreement, like I don't agree with that or I can't promise this, but if you can articulate it in a meaningful way and you're in a relationship, then you know okay, this is where we both want to go, because I'm agreeing with what your need is and I can see that end goal, end zone, end zone like a football. I don't even watch football, I use a lot of football references.

Jason Shelfer 7:00

Touchdown. Yeah, I seem to use a lot of football references Because you're talking to men.

Jana Shelfer 7:06

That's why. It's because you're talking to men a lot of times and when you talk to men most and I'm generalizing right now but a lot of men tend to have sports they can relate to sports metaphors.

Jason Shelfer 7:21

Yes, but also we huddle up multiple times a day to articulate our goals and what we want and are we going in the same direction, much like they do after each play in a football game. And if we know that we're going to the same end zone and we can articulate it and this is the play I'm running and this is the play I think, this is the route I'm running then both of us know what to look for and we still know that we are heading in the same direction and that's pretty big.

Empathy and Perspective in Communication

Jana Shelfer 7:48

Okay, let's stick, though, today to perception and how that affects when we are in a relationship, whether it's with your spouse or with it's, with it's with your kids, or a coworker, or a neighbor or any type of person in your life, a fellow employee. How do we deal with perception? How do we take ourselves out of our own bodies, put ourselves in someone else's point?

Jana Shelfer 8:22

of view and changing your awareness, to put yourself inside their body and say where are they coming from with this? What are they thinking? What are they feeling? You know, an example of this is my dad. Often he goes through periods of his life where he will read the classics. He will read the classics. Now he's done this three, I think three different times in his life where he'll take like a couple of years. He's a very fast reader, but he will set aside a reading list and it's usually the books that we had to read in high school and they're like.

Jana Shelfer 8:59

Why do I need to read this?

Jana Shelfer 9:01

Yeah, let's recap for a little while again. Yeah, like.

Jana Shelfer 9:04

I don't understand. Anyway, he does that and one of his tips is to read where the first of all the time period and where the author was coming from, get to know the author of the book, because when you get to know the author you understand. Oh, this is where. This is why they see life the way they see it.

Jason Shelfer 9:28

This is the mindset. It's not just the characters. The characters express the feelings and the thoughts and the perspective of the author.

Jana Shelfer 9:35

But the person telling the story, but learn what's going on in the author's life to get to this perspective. Because the person telling the story will have biases and often see the world in a specific way Through a different lens. It's the same with our everyday lives. We all have biases depending on the experiences that we've had in the past, the people that have influenced us.

Jason Shelfer 10:03

Our viewpoint of the world, our circumstances.

Jana Shelfer 10:05

Yes, I mean where we live. I mean, if you go up north, oftentimes, well, I won't even. I won't even go there, because I know people are listening and they're like Jana, you are stereotyping big time, but we all have different ways of seeing the world and it's almost like putting on a pair of glasses.

Jason Shelfer 10:26

Yeah, one of the analogies that I use for this is if we're both walking through the forest at night and it's very dark and we're on a wide trail and we each have our own flashlight and the flashlight puts out a direct beam, not a flood style lighting pattern, then we're going to see what we focus on in that and that's going to narrate our perspective and the way, our viewpoint of that walk through the forest. And a lot of times we are in life walking through a forest that is new or unknown because we're constantly growing, constantly moving in a progression toward through life, so we're going to see different things along the way.

Jana Shelfer 11:07

And when you're in a relationship going through that forest, if at the end of that walk you're saying, well, why didn't you point that out?

Jason Shelfer 11:15

Yeah, or I didn't. I wasn't aware of this.

Jana Shelfer 11:17

My experience wasn't like that. I didn't see that. And you look at your partner and you're like you were there with me. Why?

Jason Shelfer 11:24

didn't you say something, and why didn't you just see it? Because I was focusing on my being, my life.

Jana Shelfer 11:31

And that's the difference in perspective. Jason says why didn't you just see it? And I said why didn't you say something Right?

Jason Shelfer 11:40

Both are right.

Jana Shelfer 11:41

Both are right. It's just the different way in which we see it. I communicate a lot of times, in fact, I over communicate my experiences. I want Jason to experience everything with me and sometimes you're like, like we can be going down the road and you're perfectly fine.

Jason Shelfer 12:03

My interpretation was we just needed to get through the forest and I didn't focus on any of the outside things. And it's very similar to when we talked about me going to visit with Mike and Hugh and I came back and you had a lot of questions and I was like I don't know, we didn't talk about any of that.

Jana Shelfer 12:18

Yeah, my question was how are their wives doing? Jason says I never asked them about their wife and I was like what do you mean? You spent a whole weekend with your best friends and you never talked about your wife or your wives.

Jason Shelfer 12:32

Right, not multiple wives, but they were three of them. You know what I'm saying, which a very easy thing to understand, is how two people can go to the same movie, watch the same experience, and one of them loves it, one of them hates it and see it totally. It's the lens of what's going on online.

Jana Shelfer 12:50

I heard a quote over the weekend at my manifestation conference, and this is where we should end. Two people can be standing in the same place on this planet Earth and be experiencing entirely different worlds.

Jason Shelfer 13:05

Wow so big.

Jana Shelfer 13:08

And just to put a little button on this conversation how do you close that gap? How do you bridge that gap? One tool that I'm going to share with everybody that I just think is so valuable is just take your awareness and try stepping into the other person's shoes and, instead of saying no, no, no, no, no, no, that's not it, Get curious. Get curious and ask questions.

Jason Shelfer 13:39

Seek first to understand, then be understood, and then you get to meet somewhere, meet together.

Jana Shelfer 13:45

We don't have to be right and the other person doesn't have to be wrong. It can. We can both be right and we can respect where the other person is coming from. And wow, that's really interesting. I've never looked at it like that.

Jason Shelfer 14:01

That's an interesting perspective. Tell me more.

Jana Shelfer 14:05

And there you go. That that diffuses any kind of rightness, wrongness where we rear up and say, nope, I'm digging my heels in and I'm right on this one, I know, I know. And so just that little communication tip is oh my gosh, tell me more. I would love to hear how you experience that?

Jason Shelfer 14:31

How did you come to that point of view? That's very interesting to me.

Jana Shelfer 14:35

Oh my gosh Communication Communication.

Jason Shelfer 14:39

It validates.

Jana Shelfer 14:40

It stops a lot of those petty little differences, arguments, conflicts that we have, that sometimes grow.

Jason Shelfer 14:52

The arguments and I know we're trying to put a button on it, but arguments most of the time are just misunderstandings and they're digging the heels in saying I have to be right, which means you have to be wrong. It's an implied you have to be wrong and that implication is what burns, it stings and it makes people feel unheard and unseen.

Jana Shelfer 15:15

Oh my gosh, if that gave you an aha moment, please raise your hand. Aha, aha. I sound like I'm having a rodeo over here.

Jason Shelfer 15:25

Yeah, yeah.

Jana Shelfer 15:26

Yeah, it's early in the morning. I do have a little bit of a donkey voice, okay.

Exploring Relationships for Personal Growth

Jason Shelfer 15:33

I love your voice. I just call myself an ass.

Jana Shelfer 15:36

All right, guys, thank you so much for joining us. We are going to have more conversations about relationships, because I'm finding that my awareness is just everything that I'm learning in life, and all the self development. I feel like there's a step that we haven't found the mentors for, and so I feel like it might be time that we become those mentors.

Jason Shelfer 16:00

Because every life is literally about your relationship with it.

Jana Shelfer 16:04

With it.

Jason Shelfer 16:05

Yeah.

Jana Shelfer 16:06

Whether it's a spouse, a partner.

Jason Shelfer 16:09

Money objects food. Yeah, food is a big one and I've struggled sometimes with my relationship with food.

Jana Shelfer 16:17

Parents, in-laws, co-workers, stay tuned, we're going to go do it. Nature, god, all right. Thanks for joining us. Have a great day, keep living lucky, bye-bye.

Jana Shelfer 16:30

If the idea of living lucky appeals to you, visit us at www. livinglucky. com.