Relationship on the Brink? Don't Give Up! This Episode Will Show You Why.
Feeling the strain in your relationship? You're not alone. In today's fast-paced world, it's easy to fall into the "quick-to-quit" mentality, but what if we told you the real strength lies in holding on and growing together?
Join us in this powerful episode of the Living Lucky® Podcast as we explore the resilient power of love with your co-host, Jana, and relationship coach, Jason. We'll delve into:
The "Serpentine Belt" metaphor: How maintaining healthy tension in your relationship can keep things running smoothly, just like the essential belt in your car.
Breaking free from the "singlehood is better" myth: Uncover the truth behind pop culture portrayals and societal influences that can lead to premature breakups.
From "tug-of-war" to "power couple": Discover how strategic cooperation and open communication can transform power struggles into opportunities for unstoppable unity.
Turning trials into triumphs: Learn how overcoming challenges together can equip your relationship with the resilience to weather any storm.
Deeper connections, stronger communities: Go beyond superficial social interactions and cultivate meaningful connections that nurture your relationship.
This episode is your battle cry for love! Whether you're facing difficulties or simply seeking to strengthen your bond, this conversation equips you with the tools and inspiration to navigate the battlefield of love with strategic unity.
Ready to fight for your happily ever after? Tune in now!
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The 4 pillars of Living Lucky Believe in yourself Believe in the people around you Believe in your circumstances and Believe that God is working through you, for you, and always conspiring in your favor.
*Previously Recorded
Jana Shelfer:
Are you ready to create a life you crave? Let's spin that doom loop of negativity into an upward success cycle and start living lucky.
Jason Shelfer:
I'm Jason.
Jana Shelfer:
And we are living lucky.
Jana Shelfer:
I know you are too, because you are here with us.
Jana Shelfer:
And.
Jana Shelfer:
I am so grateful.
Jason Shelfer:
Great decision.
Jana Shelfer:
We are talking about giving up.
Jason Shelfer:
Don't do it, but people are doing it.
Jana Shelfer:
And here's the thing. We're just going to have a discussion right now. Jason's been doing some coaching with some different couples and different relationships and it seems to me Miss Channa who is who is the columnist back in the day, dear Abby, yes, that was way back in the day. She was good. Right, I'm showing my age, but she was good, I remember my mom loved Dear Abby.
Jason Shelfer:
She would send, she would In college she would clip out articles and send them to me, from Dear Abby To you.
Jana Shelfer:
Yeah Well, my dad was like Janna, you need to read, and he goes, I don't care what you read, you can read, dear Abby, I'll start there, so I did. I'll start there, then dad, and then there was also a sex therapist that I would sometimes.
Jason Shelfer:
Dr Ruth.
Jana Shelfer:
Yes, oh, that's so funny. At any rate, we, jason's, had the opportunity to coach some different couples and it has been an experiment in sociology. It's also given us the opportunity to see what works and what doesn't. We know what works in our relationship and many times people come to us and say we just want to build a relationship like what you have. So we're trying to help others do that and what we have noticed is that when things get tough, people are very quick these days to quit.
Jason Shelfer:
To let it go. Yeah, and I think a lot of that comes from If you think of your resistance and or your persistence in a lot of things in life as like a serpentine belt that runs your motor.
Jana Shelfer:
Mm-hmm.
Jason Shelfer:
That got very loose over Cobus, Well a serpentine belt that runs your motor.
Jana Shelfer:
Yeah, so it's like your fan belt.
Jason Shelfer:
But it runs a lot of things, so a fan there used to be a.
Jana Shelfer:
I don't know why I was thinking of a snake.
Jason Shelfer:
Well, so there used to be a fan belt that was almost like one belt, and then there were multiple belts. Now there's a serpentine belt in a lot of cars, that kind of wraps between all these different things and one belt runs all these. I'm not a mechanic by any means.
Jana Shelfer:
You know this, just like I'm not, dr Ruth.
Jason Shelfer:
But it's a that belt gets loose and the pulleys that it pulls on it doesn't turn those anymore. So the resistance is gets loose and that's kind of what happened during COVID. I think people started saying, oh, you know what the world may stop, I don't have to keep going, I can just get. There's a lot of isolation coming and especially with couples, they start building these kind of walls between themselves and what's not working or what they don't want, instead of seeing all the things that they do want. After a while it's keeping score.
Jana Shelfer:
Is it I don't have? What is the subconscious thought? Is it I don't have to do this if I don't want to? I heard you say that. Or is there something even deeper there? Is it I feel powerless, like no matter what I do, it doesn't make a difference, like I have no control.
Jason Shelfer:
So that's part of it, because I think it's that's part of that stacking the wall that when we stack a wall between a relationship, any connection, you start losing your power because you start focusing on the wall.
Jana Shelfer:
Okay, you can say you lose your power, but I feel you actually gain power If you think of it in a different way. I feel when you do enter a relationship or you are in a relationship now, it's not just my energy and my expertise and my value skills.
Jason Shelfer:
I 100% agree, and I probably didn't articulate. So, when you join up, it's kind of like the horses right, the horses that are trained together, and one horse can pull 3,000 pounds. Two horses can pull 18,000 pounds because they're working together.
Jana Shelfer:
But if they're trained together, then they can pull an exponential amount.
Jason Shelfer:
Yes, the flip side of that is when we start building these walls of separate, like walls of blame and walls of keeping score, then we lower that, we separate the training, we separate the energy between us. So if I start saying I'm not getting this or I'm not getting this, now we need to articulate the things that we need, right, but we don't. But if we're just stacking up this evidence of why the relationship isn't working or why it might be good to get out, or why all these things, we don't keep huddling up and say, hey, you know what, we have a plan. We're extraordinary people. We got in this relationship to have an extraordinary life and experience together and to have a powerful existence in this relationship, then we start letting that energy fade because we're not coming back and communicating each other every time and then, going in the same direction, we start kind of pulling apart.
Jana Shelfer:
Here's the other thing I wanna bring up about this group of people that Jason has been coaching. Once one couple starts to talk about how they are splitting, they've just decided it's not working out for them and they've just decided, you know what, it would be best if they go their own way. It's almost like they're romanticizing singlehood. And they're almost saying you know what? It's not that bad, we can still be friends, and we just decided you know what this isn't for us.
Jason Shelfer:
Yeah, unconscious coupling.
Jana Shelfer:
And yeah, and it's almost like they have made this so attractive that the other couples then start to head down that path. It's a group dynamic.
Jason Shelfer:
Yeah. Well, they've already built enough evidence for themselves to say this is the new great for me, like this is gonna be better for me Because we make decisions that we think are going to be better for us. That means you don't often make a decision that says how can I make my life worse?
Jana Shelfer:
And you know, when I watch the group together, even though that couple feels like they're contagious or they're, they feel like they are being supportive to the other groups. I see them unconsciously start saying oh see, see how he's not respecting you.
Jason Shelfer:
Yeah, building the wall of evidence, do you see?
Jana Shelfer:
that you would be so much better off if you just decided to go on your own. It's almost like they don't want to be alone over here. They don't want to be the only ones saying do you want to say yeah?
Jason Shelfer:
this is just like if you say, let's say you're not an alcoholic, but you just decide to not drink anymore. This is the same as going into someone's house and them saying just have a glass of wine with me.
Jana Shelfer:
Yeah, it's almost like they're pulling everyone down because they don't want to look at themselves and have the pain.
Jason Shelfer:
And I don't want to drink alone.
Jana Shelfer:
Yes.
Jason Shelfer:
Like that makes me feel icky inside when I'm alone in my house drinking. It makes me feel weird.
Jana Shelfer:
Yeah, because really I know that I have a problem too.
Jana Shelfer:
You know what?
Jana Shelfer:
I'm saying, and I don't want to face that Right now, I just want to numb out so why don't you drink with me? Misery loves company.
Jason Shelfer:
And there's an idiot.
Jana Shelfer:
There's a saying, and that that's the truth in this particular situation.
Jason Shelfer:
Yeah, because everybody wants a connection. And what they've done is they built up all this evidence saying I don't want to be connected with you.
Jana Shelfer:
Yeah. So I find myself like almost hushing those people and saying you know what? You're tainting the group, you're tainting the group, don't even talk about your situation. And then I'm like you know what? It's not for me to decide. But on the flip side of that, I just want to also bring up the fact that we become like the people we hang out with. So true. So if there is one couple in the group that is saying forget this, marriage is for the birds and I am, I am giving this up that couple is going to influence who we become.
Jason Shelfer:
We're always going to have that influence and I believe I don't know this because I haven't done studies on it, I haven't even read studies on it, but in groups of friends I believe that when one couple gets divorced, there's initial shock because, oh, it happened in my town. It's one of those things that your neighbors, your closest friends, we do a lot of facade Like, we put this image forward of everything is great, everything is wonderful, because we want to look perfect, because we see other people as having perfection, and then the divorce happens or the separation happens and everybody's like so blown out of the water.
Jana Shelfer:
Yeah, can you believe? And then they almost start talking about it, and then there's a wave of change.
Jason Shelfer:
Yeah, and that that wave kind of washes over people.
Jana Shelfer:
The first wave is oh my gosh, can you believe?
Jason Shelfer:
it. I didn't even know they were having issues.
Jana Shelfer:
And it's almost judgment that comes out. And then people start looking at, putting the mirror up to themselves.
Jason Shelfer:
And then you have acceptance for it and you start picking which person you want, and then you romanticize it and try to be friends with both parties in the divorce and then you start going, hey, they're okay, where are my problems.
Jana Shelfer:
Not only okay, am I just sad, settle it Okay. So here's the step you missed is not only are they okay, but then they start to try to reframe it. This is so great, even though they're only giving you half the truth.
Jason Shelfer:
They're not giving you the birthdays, the Christmas, or that they go home at night and lay in bed and Ruminate.
Jana Shelfer:
Oh my God, I wish I had someone here with me. Yeah, there's so much they don't talk about that, because they're trying to, their pride starts kicking in.
Jason Shelfer:
Well, this is kind of what we see on Facebook and Instagram and all that is. People are putting out this perfect image and so everybody else is like, why don't I have that? There's a whole lot in this right, but you become who you hang around the most and it's their, I believe, their frequency. So it's not just what you think they are, but their frequency. So get a little deeper with your friends, like have real conversations, because right now we go around in. Most conversations, even within friend groups, are superficial at best, like it's just and I know this because I just spent three days with Mike and Hugh- which are his two best friends from high school we did talk a lot about relationships, a little, I guess a little about it, but most of the time no.
Jana Shelfer:
You never mentioned your wives. Remember, you came home and I said how's Hugh's?
Jason Shelfer:
wife. Everyone mentioned their wives. I don't know.
Jana Shelfer:
I never asked In the three days I was there. How's Mike's wife? I don't know. I never asked and I was like, did they ask about me? I went, yeah.
Jason Shelfer:
We told each other about our wives, but then again we tell each other what we want the other to know.
Jana Shelfer:
People to hear Right.
Jana Shelfer:
And we didn't go to.
Jana Shelfer:
I feel like maybe I should do some sort of workshop for men in how to communicate.
Jason Shelfer:
Yeah, like we could go play golf for five hours and never really talk about anything but golf, which is weird because we have all this time between shots and waiting on the people in front of us Like there's a lot of areas there, there's a lot of times To really get connection together and we connect over the doing instead of over any feelings.
Jana Shelfer:
I mean, I could go golfing with anyone.
Jason Shelfer:
And we have their life story.
Jana Shelfer:
After the fourth hole I'd be like, oh my God, I know way too much about this person.
Jason Shelfer:
So true. Like I have totally learned things that I didn't need to know, I need to know what their sexual history is.
Jana Shelfer:
Yeah, which is why I tend to put up these walls around me, because I'm like I don't really need to know that.
Jason Shelfer:
Too many people are getting to know, and also too many people are getting to know all of me.
Jana Shelfer:
Yeah, and I don't want them to get to know me, ah.
Jason Shelfer:
Yeah, so there's that.
Jana Shelfer:
There is a community.
Jason Shelfer:
That's the whole. I think there's a lot of that in the men are from Mars and women are from Venus book. You know it's like we just don't communicate.
Jana Shelfer:
When was the last time you read that book?
Jason Shelfer:
I don't know if I've ever.
Jana Shelfer:
I listened to it once, oh, I read it when I was like in high school.
Jana Shelfer:
Yeah.
Jana Shelfer:
Back down high school again when I was trying to figure out I don't understand why everybody wants to ask out Stacey Anderson. Well, it was definitely her bra size at that time. The boobies, yeah, I mean she's a nice person, don't get me wrong, but you know, I'm like I don't understand why nobody's asking me.
Jason Shelfer:
A little petite janna. Well, it's a nice way to say flat.
Jana Shelfer:
Wait, did you just call itty and bitty petite Petite?
Jana Shelfer:
Petite. They're petites, petite.
Jana Shelfer:
Oh my gosh, please forgive us, we're a little bit loosey-goosey this morning. I think that maybe we should continue talking about relationships, because I do feel that we have a lot of value to add and I do feel that the more we talk about it, it helps people become aware of what's really happening and what's going on.
Jason Shelfer:
And that's really the key is just having that awareness and also knowing what do you want out of a relationship and are both parties on the same page, like when we huddle up four or five times a day, because if you think of a relationship as a tug of war and you're tugging on the side a lot of times, I'd recognize that I'm pulling sideways when you're pulling straight back and then also sometimes you're pulling sideways when I'm trying to pull straight back.
Jana Shelfer:
Just to clarify when we're playing tug of war, he uses the tug of war analogy. We are both on the same side of the road. Absolutely yeah. I feel like in so many relationships and so many marriages people get on the opposite sides of the road. People get flipped and they start working against each other.
Jason Shelfer:
We're on the same team and they don't do it intentionally. That's the biggest thing that they don't even know that they're pulling on the opposite sides of the road because they haven't gotten back together and just had this discussion about, hey, what are the things that are important to us in our relationship and like doing that vision of where are we going. Yeah, and sometimes If you don't know where you're going you're never going to get there.
Jana Shelfer:
Sometimes I mean tug of war. We could do a whole podcast about tug of war. There's strategies involved with tug of war that you can make it easier for everybody, and it's really a game of Strategy. It really is Okay. That's enough for now. Thank you for joining us. What I do want to conclude with is when things get tough, don't give up. Don't give up. It's almost like the universe is testing you to go to a new level, to take it up a notch, and the more you go through that resistance, you're going to get stronger for that next level, to where you become invincible.
Jason Shelfer:
Yeah, and you're going to have more tools to deal with this Keep living lucky, bye-bye.
Jana Shelfer:
Take care. If the idea of living lucky appeals to you, visit us at www. livinglucky. com.